Written by Duana

Hoorah! This week’s episode is new! I’m fainting with anticipation.

Okay, here we go – previously, when we caught VD (thanks, viral marketing!), Vampires and Werewolves used to roam freely until the Shaman put a curse on them. The werewolf part of the curse is sealed in the Moonstone we’ve been hearing so much about. Katherine finds Elena for the first time and they compare hair. Rose reminds Elena she’s a Petrova doppelganger and the key to breaking the curse. So no pressure. Isobel (I think) tells Alaric he knows her daughter, Elena. Katherine sniffs that it’s getting easy to be Elena. Elena wants her gone, but Katherine points out they all want Klaus, the oldest vampire ever, dead. Since he’s coming after lil’ ol’ Elena. Stefan decrees that Elijah believed you could kill Klaus with the power of a hundred dead witches. Sweet, lovely Caroline told Matt she was a vampire, he gets all infuriated because maybe she did something to his sister. Alaric says Isobel is dead, but – oops, Jenna opens the door to find that no, she’s actually on the doorstep.

We begin mere nanoseconds later, and Elena has that indignant look on. Jenna is irritated when Isobel greets Elena like they totally know each other. Jenna - in shock. Isobel twists the knife with the whole “you must be dating my husband” and then tries to come in, and Elena’s all “NO WAY” so what, is she a vampire? Isobel’s request to talk to Elena is denied, and Jenna realizes everyone but her already knew that Isobel was still alive, and she and her Lululemon top fly up to the top of the stairs and hide in her room. Elena follows, trying to apologize for how much she knows about her aunt’s romantic life. But Jenna is Distraught.


Salvatores catch up in their tight long sleeve-Ts. Incredulous that she just ‘showed up on the doorstep’? Anyway, Stefan’s on his way over there. But Katherine wonders if maybe they shouldn’t tell Isobel she stuck around after being released from the tomb. She doesn’t want John and Isobel to know she’s still around – since she was allied with John but is reconsidering. She turns away and smirks – and they want to know what her game is. Shouldn’t they have asked this before she was basically lolling around their house? Anyway, she wants Klaus dead, which puts her on their team. Then, she strategically shuffles her cleavage while saying words neither of them hear. Actually she says if she ever has to ‘play Elena’, the fewer people who know, the better. The guys ignore the breasts and make plans to call Alaric.

Elena opens the door for nervous Rick, who’s anxious about what Jenna might be thinking. He says “we have to fix this, Elena” as though it’s her fault that he lied to his lovah. Anyway, Jenna storms down the stairs, doesn’t want to hear anything from anyone, and says Elena has to pick up a cheque at the Lockwood’s today. She’s working fury pretty hard, but she looked a lot cuter last night. Maybe we should have saved her sleek black tank for her righteous anger. Shallow? Me? John comes in, all “But it’s better, because we need the house free for right now. Then he implies Alaric was dishonest, and gets slugged for his trouble. Elena turns to him, all
“This is YOUR fault” and he says he knows. Who says these two aren’t like a regular father and daughter?

Caroline’s, and I love that no matter what happens to this girl, she’s kind of sunny and upbeat about the whole thing. She says she can’t find him anywhere, and I assume she’s talking about Matt. She’s on the phone telling Stefan that he ran out when her Mom came home, and that’s he’s freaking out about Vicky. Stefan tells her, while Elena watches, all dead-eyed – that he has to find her. Caroline tries, but Elena and Stefan basically hang up on her, and John beckons them downstairs.

Isobel is downstairs. John defends having let her into the house by indicating she has information about Klaus. Elena basically spends all her time snapping at John instead of listening. But Isobel points out that everyone has figured out there’s a Doppelganger situation going on. John relishes the words as he says “and that means everyone’s looking for you, Elena”. He’s not even just creepy, he’s annoyingly obvious. Isobel offers Elena a safe house where nobody can get in, but Elena can’t deal. It’s too early to tell whether this is teenage hubris or good instincts. What is apparently easy to tell is that Stefan lets Elena weather all these things by herself. Way to be a backup, buddy.

Damon, Bonnie, and Jere in a house where everyone’s dead. Oh, it’s Luka and his dad. Damon is – surprise! – cavalier about death, and Bonnie is irritated he’s not being more respectful of the guy who gave back her powers. Bonnie’s searching for a spell, and while Jeremy whines about, y’know, having to read, Bonnie does witch voodoo on a bookshelf and finds the one she wants.

A White Mansion. Isobel is all giddy and waving wine around – and suddenly OH GOD, it’s Katherine! Now, is she just limitless in where she can be? No restrictions whatsoever? If that’s the case then why doesn’t everyone take the obvious truth that she’s not hiding out in Boca as a clear indication she’s about to cause problems?

Anyway, she and Isobel FLY at one another, assumedly to try to figure out if each is not a shapeshifter – and then they hug, and it’s a little flirty, if you want the truth. Then Isobel tells Katherine she’s making a deal with Klaus to save her life!!!

As they drink, Isobel admits to coming back because she was jealous of “Aunt Vanilla” and Katherine’s jealous that John let her in the house. Then Isobel admits she was with one of Klaus’ ‘witches’ and he’ll give up Katherine if she provides both the moonstone and the doppelganger. Isobel’s all “So, betraying the boys, you up for that?” Katherine pretends it’s all about the boys’ lack of a plan that has led her to ally with Isobel.

Salvatores. They debate where Elena’s going to sleep, and she’s pretty testy about how she’s going to have to be protected by one of them full-time. Isn’t that…every day? Elena mentions having to go to the Lockwood’s’, because guilt over Jenna makes that somehow important, and Damon has to emotionally manipulate Bonnie all day. Elena’s about to say where that will happen when he suddenly shushes her because Katherine has appeared. Sometimes this show is basically Steel Magnolias. Katherine swans in, I never get tired of two Ninas in the same frame, and Katherine wants to know what the plan is.

Damon indicates that they don’t trust K in a way that is basically foreplay, and suddenly we’re at the Lockwood’s. The Clueless Moms, Mayor and Sherriff, are discussing how vampires always seem to be involved in these types of things. Caroline comes in to ask if Matt’s been seen – is Matt a townie, relative to all of these guys? The mayor indicates Tyler’s been gone for a while. Caroline’s temporarily lights up when Elena and Stefan appear and they’re no help.

Caro laments that “I was supposed to tell him when the time was right and it was going to be OK because he loves me!” There’s your simile of the week – vampirism is like being pregnant, you guys. Elena and Stefan continue being wrapped up in their own problems.

Woods. Bonnie, Damon and Jere are looking for the witchburning burial ground. Some patter about how Damon saved X witch and found out Katherine was a bitch. Hah! Rhymes! Anyway, they approach a white mansion that looks all neglected and dirty, not like Isobel’s pretty one. Damon squints a lot to determine whether it’s the right place – and when they go in, it’s decrepit and dirty. Hapless Jeremy jumps at a creak in the floor – is he supposed to be kind of delicate? Did he just grow a whole bunch in the second season? Because I don’t get it.

Anyway, Damon’s annoyed with Bonnie because she has rooted him to the floor, she swears she hasn’t, and suddenly he’s in a sunbeam and being awfully casual about the fact that his ring isn’t working and he’s burning. Bonnie does something, snarks that she doesn’t think the witches like him here, and Damon will wait outside.

Salvatores. Katherine and her boobs are searching around, presumably for the moonstone. She pockets some money, stretches around the fireplace, and shows off her yoga body. And then, while washing her hands in a really fancy sink that makes me impressed with the Salvatore’s’ interest in fixtures, she happens upon the moonstone in a big bowl of soaps.

I’m not kidding. It was in with the soaps.

Alaric looks vaguely fussed. More so when Isobel shows up in front of his car to ‘clean up loose ends’. She wants to apologize for outing him to Jenna, among other things – she wants him to know how much she loved him, before she “does what she has to do”. Then she gives him up to a slick-haired looking dude, who brings him down with a force field of hands. Uh oh.

Damon is worried about Bonnie and Jeremy, and gets a slammed-door in his face for his trouble. Jeremy, inside, deals with being worried about Bonnie via kissing her face. But they’re interrupted by the spirits of the witches who died there. Bonnie works on Witch Interpretation, Jeremy allows himself to get utterly creeped out, and eventually after much whispering, a fire begins. Bonnie begins.

Mayor – applauds Elena for coming to accept the scholarship fund. Then, Isobel appears, vamps out, informs John she’s ‘creating a distraction’ and indeed, as she eats him and throws him into the foyer, nobody gets to appreciate Elena’s purple wrap dress.

But lo, Katherine hears my cry, and comes in all ‘I’m gonna borrow that’. Did I mention hapless Stefan is off investigating John’s bloody neck?

He looks at John’s neck, says he’s breathing and OK. The mayor gets in there, and Stefan heads back to take care of Elena. Like a newb, he looks at her and, when she says she’s calling Damon, seems not to react in any way. They book. I’m going to assume she’s Katherine as Elena, which translates to KASE.

Car, being driven by Isobel. RealElena is passed out in the back.

Stefan and Elena head toward the cars, she blames Isobel, and as she pockets her phone, I didn’t give Stefan enough credit, because he totally knows it’s Katherine. What he doesn’t know is that she’s got a needle in her pocket. She apologizes, injects him, and then, in an unexpected move, jumps into a mini Cooper.

House. Jeremy is worried. Bonnie is quiet, and then, markedly less quiet. She cries and wails, presumably with the pain of all the witches who died – and then, as Jere flies against a wall, stops. She’s all “I did it”. He kisses her on the forehead, and she’s breathless. If you’re under 14, read nothing else into that scene whatsoever, OK? Not a simile for anything.

Mayor is ushering people out of the house, and I love that it doubles as a meeting place. Damon arrives, and though the mayor says he’s dead, Damon’s like “nope, the ring protects him, despite the no breathing or pulse”. I love that the Mayor and Sheriff are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of this situation at any given time. Like just NO idea what’s going on.

Anyway, Sherriff runs into Matt outside, who wants to see Vickie’s file, which is obviously a terrible idea. He mutters that he wants to see how they covered up that she was killed by a vampire, and then Sherriff totally flips him onto the car.

Speaking of flipping, Damon dumps John on the floor of their house, goes to wash up, and, shirtlessly, and near-pantlessly answers his phone. It’s Stefan, and Damon’s all “How did I beat you home?” Then, ‘what’? I love when Somerhalder gasps. He rummages for the moonstone, doesn’t find it, and actually says “no, no, no!”

Katherine, at the white mansion, calls Isobel to hurry her out of town. Isobel apologizes, saying “He wanted you”. Katherine’s all “me?” And as Elena wakes up, the same guy who felled Alaric takes down Katherine. Who’s good? Who can tell anymore?

Caroline is still, still looking for Matt via voicemail, and you’d think she would try a different method. But she and her jean jacket and her skirt are pretty sure it’s the right thing to do. Then again, apparently he’s inside her house waiting for her. He says it was her mom who brought him in, and that he didn’t say anything about Caroline’s little secret. Caroline doesn’t know why he’s around if he’s so scared, and he just needs to know more.

Jeremy and Bonnie. These two kind of confound me. He says there’s got to be some way they can translate the chant. She says it’s not important, he says it is, and she basically tells him he’s too little to understand. That it’s only a warning. It’s a lot of power, and they want her to be careful with it. He just now thinks to ask how much power she can draw from a hundred dead witches, and in return, Bonnie makes a tornado of leaves. Also, makes it nighttime. It would be awesome if she weren’t so smug about it. Also, were these two needing a ride home from Damon? Because that ship has sailed.

Sexy car, outside the clean white mansion. Salvatores snark about it being ‘the nicest foreclosure in town’ and they look around. They find Isobel’s stuff, but no vamps. Or humans. They bitch at each other, because that’s what they do.

Cemetery. Footservant drives. Isobel gets out of the car, and Elena follows. Isobel grumps that she needs to force Elena to come with her, and Elena wants to know if she was compelled to betray Katherine, but Isobel’s not saying. As Elena peppers her with questions, Isobel brings Elena to her grave. That is, the grave Elena’s grandparents put up to commemorate their daughter when her body kept not turning up. She says the human part of her is buried there, the part that would dream about knowing her daughter. Elena’s all ‘que pasa’? Isobel basically apologizes for being a monster, answers the phone from a different footsoldier, who says she can let Elena go on the orders of Klaus. He has the moonstone and Katherine, so Isobel is ‘done’. Iz looks pretty happy about this, then apologizes to Elena for being a disappointment.

And with that, she rips off her protective necklace and bursts into flames in front of her daughter, who kind of wants to look horrified, but whose face actually says “Thank God. One less I have to worry about.” I mean, can you blame her?

Caroline is explaining that she made Matt forget various things, and couldn’t stay away from him because she loves him. And because all things that come from Caroline are pure, you believe her and so does he. But he finally says he’s all alone. That his mom doesn’t care and his sister is dead, and all of his friends are liars. When you put it that way…

Anyway, Matt wants her to make him forget. He doesn’t want to know any of this. He gets pretty strident about it. And she begs him to maybe give it some time, and he says no. So the pregnancy metaphor gets, well, terminated. For lack of a more subtle term. He can’t accept it – he just wants it to go away – and she’ll always know that.

Elena moons over Isobel’s necklace. She can’t believe she feels bad about her being dead. Then demands to know why they let her go. The boys talk about how Klaus knows everything Isobel did. That she’s not going to turn herself into a vampire or run away. Damon strides in, all “Let’s take precautions. We got played”. He wants Elena to take on the deed to their house, and then they’ll all be safe. At this moment, John comes back to life, and I can’t handle his new fancy hair. Damon would strangle him again, but Elena wants to talk.

Hey, Jeremy can read! He’s been poring over Bonnie’s papers and is pissed that she said it was just ‘a warning’. Apparently, if Bonnie uses too much of her power, she’ll die. And apparently it takes all her power to kill an Original. So she’ll die. Jeremy says Elena won’t let Bonnie die for her, Bonnie says they’re not going to tell her, and then there’s a healthy discussion of how much of a martyr Bonnie is going to be for Jere, Elena, and everyone. She is the only one who can put an end to this, it’s her own decision, and he has no say.

Night. Shadowy figures in cars. Matt drank vervaine, got Caroline to tell him everything, and then got her to take it away. We realize the person with him in the car is the Sheriff – her mother! She wants to hear everything Caroline said. Wait – wait! I thought her mom was compelled to forget everything too! How does she know? She’s crying. Matt and Mom feel like she died.

John tells Elena he trusted Isobel because she was heartbroken to give up Elena. Oh, and because he loved her, and she said she’d keep Elena safe. He gets all a-husky as he says he’ll do whatever Elena wants, and if she feels safer with him gone, that’s cool. It’s emotional music, as Elena tells him he screws up everything. She’s basically a divorced kid, and mutters that he’s the only parent she has left. Yeah, kind of literally, since Jenna took a total powder on her charges, due to them messing with her sex life. Elena says she can maybe learn not to hate John. He silently rewards himself for the new hair, knowing that’s what made Elena love him.

The Salvatores, having their evening cocktail. I love this perhaps more than any other detail on the show. Damon mentions that Bonnie is “locked and loaded”. Stefan points out that Katherine doesn’t know Bonnie has her powers, and that Isobel never knew, and only they know about Bonnie, and she’s their secret weapon.

Wooden floor. Katherine, still in Elena’s boob-y dress, lies on the floor and watches a footsoldier compelling or otherwise manipulating Alaric. Actually, it seems like he’s extracting his blood, or something. There are a whole lot of medieval torture devices about, as footsoldier repeats a mantra over and over again. Katherine starts to look annoyed, as Alaric pulls out his IVs, stands, and, as far as I can see, is not the man he was before.

Katherine tries to get out of the room, but the door is blocked. NewAlaric calls her “Katerina”, grabs her face, and she whispers “Klaus”. Oh SHIZ ya’ll, he can inhabit all kinds of bodies? This is about to get good…