Along with My Concrete Tits are Real, this must be her mantra: Victoria Beckham simply canNOT wear flats. She will eschew them always, even in favour of Nurse Shoes with a Wedge. Look at them. Tell me those aren’t nurse shoes with a wedge.

Here’s Posh throwing out the first pitch at the Dodger game yesterday. My girl is always f*cking hysterical, see? Endlessly entertaining.

You know why she can only do heels? Two reasons. First: she’s short. Bullsh-t to those who list her at 5 ft 5. She’s 5 ft 3…TOPS. She’s little. Like Asian little. Lih-tull. Second: heels draw out your legs, making them appear longer, thinner. Flats…well… flats don’t.

In other words, Victoria Beckham doesn’t wear flats because she doesn’t want her legs to look fat.

She’s priceless, non?

Priceless and delusional too. The kind of girl who believes her own lies. Bet you she honestly thinks when she looks down that her tits are all hers. And she has also probably convinced herself that she would be content to be middle class – an ordinary civilian without easy access to Dolce & Gabbana and Cavalli too.

Says Posh: "I can"t do without love. I would rather live in a council flat with David than in Beckingham Palace without him. I long for us to be living together all the time. (snort!!!) Sometimes I see a couple who"ve just finished work, sitting in their car, and she"s got a Barclay"s bank badge on and he"s got his Dixon"s badge on, and they"re going home for dinner. Sometimes that looks nice to me, but we all want something we don"t have."

I’m telling you, if this is how she thinks, I am now straight up chompin’ at the bit for the reality show. Especially if another one of his mistresses sells out just in time for the premiere.

David hasn’t been careful, I can feel it in my smutty bones.