I’m telling you, this week’s issue of Us Weekly is balls to the wall – Janice Min is gunning for the GMD, and the girl is ferocious!

Here’s Katie in Louisiana back at work with Queen Latifah bouncing the most tacky ass costume curls and a rather genuine and refreshing smile, clearly happy at being let outside for a change. Because according to the Us article, her life is as far from freedom as it gets.

Get ready for chills, chills, chills.

The piece is titled: Why Katie Won’t Leave, describing a life consumed by Scientology, to the point where a source has said she is “sick and tired” of her husband’s beliefs. Apparently she’s at the Scientology Celebrity Centre three times a week, and is surrounded by a steadily rotating crew of “minders to make sure that nothing is said or done that would be critical of the Church”.

Thing is, all seem to be in agreement that Katie is still deeply in love with Tom, that she is doing whatever she can and agreeing to whatever he asks, including Mommy Classes, because she is true to her man and her marriage. Certain issues, however, suggest that she is not so devoted to the Xenu – in particular her relationship with Victoria Beckham.

The friendship has been allowed to continue supposedly because of the Beckhams’ potential to be recruited. But Katie’s attachment to Posh “indicates she’s not fully committed to the Church”. And her ambivalence to the Xenu, especially since she’s married to one of the highest ranking Operating Thetans in Hollywood (I’m not kidding you, that’s what they call it – Operating Thetans – and they have levels, and the GMD is Level 7 out of 8), could have disastrous implications for him in the Church. Even more alarming, if she does ever decide that the Xenu is not for her, those around her who’ve pledged allegiance to Scientology would have to sever ties – and that includes Little Sci.

As such, according to the magazine, keeping Katie in line is of critical importance to Tom Cruise, with professional, personal, and religious implications.

Now don’t tell me that doesn’t scare the sh-t out of you.

But a light moment in between, shall we? And this is why I love The Posh. Because The Posh is too cheap to join the Church, one of the few occasions where her avarice is actually defensible.

So last weekend, Victoria and her boys are at Bluebell’s christening. Supposedly the GMD kept calling her, demanding to know whether or not the ceremony was Christian or Scientological…


After too many irritating questions, Victoria snapped to him: Not interested in Scientology!


See? She’s priceless.

More chilling details including the “signs” of Cruise Control can be found in the magazine. Oh and PS. Did you know that as an Operating Thetan, Tom Cruise can move inanimate objects by simply willing it? If you can spare half an hour and want to learn more, head to Rolling Stone and read all about it – thanks to Ruthie for the tip!

Chills, chills, chills.

And that is why Tom Cruise is the best actor ever and totally deserves an Oscar and helps firefighters and policemen and heroin addicts and raises the most amazing, marvelous children - praise Thetan, ah-Xenu.