Is this the latest figure to be inducted into London’s Madame Tussauds? Nope, it’s just Victoria Beckham coming out of her Mattel box for the night to do a t-shirt signing at Bergdorf Goodman for New York’s Fashion Week. Seriously, all the fuss about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch could just be a sighting of Posh doing the backstroke in the ocean. Oh who are we kidding? The Posh doesn’t do the backstroke. The only stroking she does is when Becks is around, yes? Yeah, that’s right. I’m taking this blog straight to the gutter, and you’re coming with!

Surprisingly though, David Beckham does not make it onto my Freebie Five. This is mainly because when I constructed my Freebie Five, I wanted it classic and never changing, otherwise I’d be altering it on an hourly basis. It’s like in that episode of Sex and the City when Miranda chooses a movie star, alive or dead, she’d like to f-ck?

“Sean Connery: yesterday, today, and tomorrow.”

With that in mind, my Freebie Five consists of the following (and yes, be prepared to vomit just a little bit in your mouth):

  1. Rob Lowe – Yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
  2. Jean-Claude Van Damme – Yes, the muscles from Brussels. Don’t. Judge.
  3. Chris Meloni – The only reason I put up with watching horrible murder stories on Law & Order SVU.
  4. Lorenzo Lamas – Just. Stop.
  5. Ira Glass – Radio host of This American Life on NPR? Anyone? He’s on here to show that I’m not totally always into meatheads.

All right, so my Freebie Five is a bit ridiculous. But is it as ridiculous as that outfit that The Posh is wearing? I think not! Did Tony the Tiger put that dress on her, give her the thumbs up and pronounce, “It’s grrrrrrrreat?”

Lainey did mention that she thought Posh looked like a cone. I’m thinking she meant an ice cream cone, filled with some chocolate orange ice cream, aka Tiger flavour., aka my favourite.

But Victoria would not know about ice cream, would she? Perhaps if she had a snack once in awhile, she wouldn’t look so tired and sad. Those eyes are borderline Katie Holmes. But maybe that’s just due to the fact Anna Wintour is everywhere this week and wants nothing to do with The Posh, and she knows it too.

Does she know though, that her outfit is not doing her any favours? And most definitely not in the eyes of Ms. Wintour?

I’m not even going near those boots. Those boots just need. To. Stop.

And is that Heroes’ Milo Ventimiglia posing almost as hard as Victoria Beckham in one of those photos? He’ll always be Jess from Gilmore Girls to me. Sigh. Jess, who was the bad boy, who became the good boy who ran away and wrote a book and got published in New York City. Jess and Rory forever!

Check out his arched eyebrow. You know he practiced that sh-t all hours of the day till he got it right. I know I did.

But perhaps the hottest bitch in all of these photos is the guy in the blue business suit standing behind Victoria, getting ready to do a pirouette. He probably works the front counter in the Fragrance department asking people if they’d like to try some Mariah Carey Luscious Pink. When he heard Posh was going to be in the store, you know he re-enacted the dance steps from the Stop video and jumped into this photo without her knowing, making him the happiest feygelah in the world right now.

Upstaged by the perfume spritzer guy? Anna Wintour would NOT approve.

That’s all.

Written by Alan W
Photos from