No one can cut you like a Brit… or my mother.

It was her birthday yesterday, she called me at 2 in the afternoon:

“It’s my birthday today. Were you at the gym?”

So few words, so much sting. Guilting me, of course, for not calling her at the crack of dawn. And, given that I never go to the gym, suggesting that I would be there because, obviously, I need to work off some weight.

My mother should be British. British Chinese Squawking Chicken. Cuts you so swift, you’re hemorrhaging before you know it. Like Maggie Smith in Gosford Park – one of my Main Mo Darren’s favourite movie moments.

They’re all at a dinner party and Maggie who plays a proper lady, of course, is addressing a commoner who managed to marry her way into the upper class. The poor fish out of water is wearing a hideous green dress. Maggie takes one look and says simply:

"Difficult colour… green."

Classic English condescension. Brilliant.

Also brilliant – this article from Alexandra Shulman, editor of Vogue UK on Victoria Beckham’s new cover and spread for the magazine.

On featuring Posh, Shulman explains:

Not everyone whom I involved in this plan agreed with the idea, But the very polarisation of reaction that Victoria provokes was in part what attracted me to her.

To the "antis", she personifies consumerism gone wild, media manipulation, excessive and utterly undeserved wealth, bad taste and is the physical embodiment of an image that encourages young women to aspire to unhealthy bodies, whether through starvation or cosmetic intervention.

To the pros, she is one part of the most successful girl band ever, has married and had three children with an extraordinarily talented and handsome footballer, and demonstrates that by application and drive it"s possible to transform yourself into one of the most iconic figures of our time — albeit a controversial icon.

Bad taste! According to Vogue, Victoria Beckham is “Bad Taste”. Love.

And this next passage, to close the actual Vogue piece, totally made my life:

As she said in the TV programme Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, “It’s exhausting being fabulous”. But few people try so hard.

Fabulous for Posh is not effortless. Delicious.

Also delicious –what Victoria says in the interview when asked about Rebecca Loos and the infamous infidelity:

Victoria is inscrutable when asked about what, in anybody’s terms, must have been a horrendous personal ordeal: when they lived in Madrid and David’s sex life became the subject of intense media attention. Her clear eyes remain as steadily focused, her voice as calm, as if she was reciting a recipe. “You know I love and trust my husband a hundred percent. It’s my job to protect the family. We have children and I wasn’t going to go to court and drag up my personal life when my children were old enough to understand what they were hearing. We have a very nice positive energy around us as a family, and if it’s not positive and nice, I don’t want to hear about it.”

He cheated. She knows it. What she can"t see or hear won"t hurt her.

For more from the Vogue article, click here.

Here she is with her concrete tits yesterday taking the kids to gymnastics. Those boobs kill the outfit. As usual.