Happened way too often this year: single women emerging after serious relationships only to rebound into the arms of gross dudes. Like, over and over and over again.  

Elizabeth Hurley & that vile Shane Warne - why are his lips always gooey? I admire those of you who tend to look for the best in every person/story/situation. If you are trying to do this with that vile Shane Warne, click here (NSFW) and save your time. That little party, by the way, went down when he was married. So, you know. God, and she’s marrying him too. Disgusting.  

Kate Winslet and Ned Rocknloser - I’m not saying this, I am straight up shouting it: HE CHANGED HIS NAME FROM SMITH TO ROCKNROLL!!!!!! You don’t get to defend this. THERE IS NO DEFENCE FOR IT. And, understand, this not a nickname. This is a dude who went to the government office and picked up the forms and took them home and filled them out and brought them back to the government office and paid a fee and OFFICIALLY CHANGED HIS NAME. TO ROCKNROLL!!! Stop making excuses for her. Or him. Or how they fell in love in crisis fire and no amount of lame assness can ever shake that. Um, I don’t care. His name is Ned ROCKNROLL. F-ck the crisis fire.

Cameron Diaz and Puffy Diddy Daddy Sean Combs - I hate Sean Combs. I’ve seen him disappoint fans and waste their time. I’ve watched him order people around, make ridiculous demands, and treat others like they’re beneath him. He made them feel small and worthless. This is not a humble man, no matter how often he goes on Oprah to try and convince you of it. Also, a dude who changes his name this many times...? Isn’t worth your boner. See Ned Rocknloser. But there goes Cam, straight out of the douche-Rod, supposedly f-cking Diddykins because, apparently, she has the worst taste in men ever, next to Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart - I mean...I just... I can’t... Like I said, I’m sure he’s nice enough, but this girl cannot NOT slum her love life away, is all I’m saying. With backup dancers and not, you know, tall proper actor-writer-directors. Instead, Casper’s rolling around town in a trucker cap driving her Bentley, after a holiday in Hawaii, and a trip to Morocco. And you know our JLo. Our JLo doesn’t just rebound. Her rebound is a f-cking REMARRY.

Want to play the sh-t vs diarrhoea game?

On the spectrum from sh-t to diarrhoea, how do you rank the aforementioned couples?

This, I think, is my order:

Cam & Puff are sh-t
Kate & Rocknloser are sh-ttier
JLo and Casper are sh-ttiest
Liz & Vile Shane are diarrhoea

Your turn.