I did not feel the urge to stick my hand down my pants and start rubbing at the sight of Zac Efron shirtless last night on stage at the MTV Awards. Especially not when he started flexing and saluting. He saluted a couple of times. It was bad. It was really, really bad. At that moment I texted Sasha: I am so embarrassed for him right now. She texted back: MORTIFIED.

I mean, I get it. Give us a distraction. Your over-bronzed pecs a distraction from the fact that you mysteriously slip on water and lock your jaw and end up under sketchy bridges downtown in LA because there’s a movie coming out and the promotion is more important. But man, I see a lot of coke bloat happening around that face and your eyes are mad tweaking like f-ck, so you, priorities, right? Priorities.

And then at the end of the show, my dad showed up. With that f-cking ripped hat and a pair of flood pants. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with being the cool dad, if you accept that that’s what you are. The problem is that that’s not Johnny Depp’s vibe right now. Johnny Depp is still “rock star most” and 1997 forever.