“I’m not programmed by Disney”.

It’s what he says at one point during his interview with GQ – Zac Efron is the pretty boy on the new cover – an entire interview spent convincing us that he’s more than prepackaged goodness, that he’s more than just a machine, that he is not a robot produced by the mouse.

Oh …

But isn’t he?

The GQ article is a great read – click here – because the writer, clearly, can’t f-cking believe he has to spend the afternoon with a plastic doll churning out canned answers from underneath his “long Japanimation-character bangs” which means the article is one giant sneer. You can hear the sneer through the words, sometimes the sneer slaps you in the face, like when he practically calls Efron out for saying all the things he thinks you want him to say, or when he eyeballs a piece of ass only because he hopes the GQ journalist will see him eyeballing a piece of ass – the assessment is obvious: this kid is so contrived he probably no longer knows between what’s real and what’s not.

In other words, he’s perfect for Hollywood.

But can he open?

Zac is hustling hard for 17 Again due out this weekend. Yesterday it was The Today Show etc, last night it was Letterman. You can tell he practised his entrance. One hand in pocket, hair perfectly greased to his forehead. Does this cause pimples? For me it would cause pimples.

Dave look bored. Until he could point out what an airhead he is…

Zac Efron David Letterman Part 1

Zac Efron David Letterman Part 2

Back in the day, did Paul Newman and Steve McQueen care so much about the hair?

Because, you see, they’ve now become LipGloss inspiration.

“He’s been getting into Newman’s films lately, he says. Him and Steve McQueen. When-men-were-men kind of actors, and guys who never seemed to put a foot wrong, careerwise, despite not appearing to give that much of a sh-t about anything but the work.”

Sorry… how does this, in any way, describe Zac Efron?

I don’t get it.

Also don’t get the feet.

Must be a generational thing. Am too old to find the quiver in a man with turned IN feet. You already know my issues with turned OUT feet. Am now undecided about what’s worse:

Picture Ebola Paris Hilton stumbling onto a red carpet, uncoordinated and diseased, limbs and bones and bacteria flying everywhere. And her huge feet with the toes pointed inwards, walking so that her legs almost buckle on top of each other…

Now look at Zac Efron posing outside of Letterman studios after taping the show.

Does that work for you?

No seriously, please tell me. How do you root for a boy who cares this much about his bangs with the gait of Ebola and the manufacturing of a Mattel doll?

Photos from Flynetonline.com and Wenn.com