Zac Efron covers the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter, a dick-sucky profile that's meant to promote the upcoming Neighbours and also rehabilitate his image after the rehab(s) and the under-the-bridge fighting.

Oh, yeah, about that under-the-bridge incident..

Even the writer acknowledges that Efron is "coy" about what happened. And his explanation is dumb. My friend picked me up that night. We wanted to go eat and catch up. Something got f-cked up with the car and a homeless man appears out of nowhere with a shank. What?

Michael Bay couldn't come up with this sh-t.

It's not that Efron doesn't say the right things though. I was young, I was excessive, was drinking. Just drinking? Though the article confirms there were drugs, that never actually comes out of Efron's mouth. So you're supposed to think he's an alcoholic and not a hard drug user. And this is what they do. Because the public is much more forgiving about alcohol and pills than cocaine, ecstasy, and etc.

Remind you of someone?

Lindsay Lohan?

That's her deal too. And she too speaks in the same generalisations Efron does. About learning from mistakes and having to go through those mistakes to be able to come out wiser and better. Which is why he says he has no regrets. At this point, it's a goddamn script. And what's the story? The story is a troubled child star whose priority is career, often over wellness.

Efron is supposedly excellent in Neighbours. The article makes it sound like he steals the movie. So now you have an entire film that might be depending on him to not be face down in a puddle of water needing his jaw fixed. Let's get him on the road, make the girls scream from Texas to Tokyo, let's just get to opening day, let's make our box office. And then, who cares what happens after?

So he's telling you that he's growing, maturing. That he's changed his lifestyle and goes to bed at 9pm now. At 9pm.

As IF.

That's two days in a row that I've As If-ed Zac Efron.

Click here to read the full THR piece on Zac Efron.