There were so many red dresses at the Golden Globes I almost had a seizure. You know I hate a red dress. And I especially hate this one. Enough with the sweetheart neckline and the pearls and the cutesy lollipop hair and the F-CKING NAIL ART and my God, my God with those red satin platforms, my GOD.

We get it.

You are not Chloe Sevigny!

But who do you think Zooey Deschanel does it for? Does she do it for the Hello Giggles? Or does she do it because that’s exactly who some men masturbate to when “quirky girl” is their flavour? One day soon, she’ll become one of those blow-up dolls Asian men have relationships with instead of real people.