Regina King won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar – her first— for her role in If Beale Street Could Talk. Somehow, Chris Evans is now in almost every story about Regina King’s win because the man sat beside her mom and… looked in her direction a few times? Because he did the bare minimum decent thing a dude can do by offering Regina his arm as she walked on stage? 


WHY are tweets like the ones above and headlines like “Chris Evans proves chivalry is not dead” dominating my timeline? Because Evans is Captain America and also tall and marginally attractive? Because his suit jacket was two-sizes too small for him? Because he’s a white man with a beard? I DON’T KNOW. Y’ALL TELL ME WHAT CHRIS EVANS DID THAT IS SO IMPRESSIVE.

Listen, I don’t want to be the thirst police and take away your Beyoncé-given right to lust after a lesser Chris. You go ahead and make that choice. It’s your life. But I can’t deal with the excessive praise being thrown at a man for doing the absolute least. Twitter was spewing waterfalls out of its downstairs parts for Chris Evans doing a thing that he should do. He held out his arm for a hot second. Take a deep breath and put the pregnancy tests away. I’m sure Evans is a nice man. I’m sure he would agree with me that what he did was truly undeserving of any sort of obsession. Is the standard of being a gentleman that low? Is it that hard out there in those single streets? Is Tinder that much of a wasteland? Who hurt y’all?

While I was huffing to myself about my “Chris Evans Exists, People Lose Their Sh-t” rage, Lainey accused me of just being mad because when Chris Pine cried at the Oscars, it didn’t launch a thousand “I’m pregnant” memes. If you think I would be that petty in my allegiance to Chris Pine as the Best Chris, you are absolutely right.

Let’s revisit The Best Chris’s Oscar moment in 2015. He was moved to tears after a performance of “Glory,” from the Selma soundtrack.

If I remember correctly, people accused Pine of hijacking the moment. Let the man cry! That moment was not about Chris Pine, just like Regina King winning her first Oscar is not about Chris Evans. But if swoon-worthy Oscar gifs were a category in the Chris wars, Pine crying over racial injustice wins over Evans existing EVERY TIME. 
I’m just going to lean into how much of an asshole I’ve been in this post and leave you with my own tweet. You all look as thirsty as Lady Gaga. Sit with that.