Dear Gossips, 

Duana f-cked up one of our group chats last night. We were just minding our own business and suddenly she dropped a bombshell and it’s been all I’ve been thinking about since. I even dreamed about it. And obsessively googled tangents. 


But we weren’t the only ones. Duana was sharing something that had already been f-cking people up on Twitter. Do you want to see? Actually, you have no choice. I’m showing it to you, because it may not have been on your timelines, just as it wasn’t on my timeline, until Duana decided to tilt my mind off its axis. 


I… what?!?! 

Flatmouth. That’s me. When I run my tongue along the top of my mouth, it’s flat and smooth and what are you even talking about, a RIDGE?! Some of the people in the comments are describing it like a “spine”. I lost all feeling in my body when I read this. A SPINE ON THE TOP OF YOUR MOUTH!?!


Turns out half the people on the group have the “spine”. I was the only one with a flatmouth. Duana described hers as a “seam”. Which is when my soul started trying to escape me. It did not want to know any more of this. 

But then I just asked Jacek, who I’ve been married to for almost 20 years, about his mouth, and he has a “seam” too! You think you know someone – and you actually don’t, you know nothing!

Anyway, like I said, the variances of mouth-insides are now my only thoughts. Which is why I’ve just learned about a thing called “fimbriated fold of tongue”, and yes, of course, I threw it into the group chat as revenge on Duana so that the photos of that would be the first thing she saw this morning. Apparently a lot of people who have the “fimbriated fold of tongue” also walk around in life thinking that everyone else has it and experience shookness when they realise that is not the case. 

Now Emily, who will be working on this post for the site, is probably saying to herself, what f-cking photo am I using to go with this article? Why don’t we just look at a closed mouth, calm and unassuming, until it opens and f-cks you up with all its mystery and strangeness? 

Yours in gossip,