Remember when Fifty Shades of Grey was described as “mommy porn”? And then, I guess, “let down porn” because despite talking a big game about being a 21st century Last Tango In Paris, the Fifty Shades movies have been, so far, mildly horny at best. (My theory is that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are so afraid of intrusive fandom shipping they are paralyzed by fear every time they have to touch on screen and so their sex scenes are wet noodles.) Well, in its third and final iteration, Fifty Shades is trying “lifestyle porn” as its hook, with the first full trailer showing off lots of beauty shots of villas, mansions, private jets, and sleek cars. And oh yeah, there is some weirdly clinical sex, too.
I actually like this trailer. I feel like this is the first time Fifty Shades is being honest with itself. Sam Taylor-Johnson tried to make it something more, but in the end, her psycho-sexual thriller impulse couldn’t defeat EL James’ book club sensibilities, and I still don’t know what Fifty Shades Darker was trying to be. But Freed looks like the whole franchise threw up its hands and said, “Fine. Lifestyle fantasy it is.” And really, that’s all Fifty Shades ever was and has been. It’s Cinderella dressed up with a little bit of kink, but it is, at heart, a fairy tale.
And so now this last movie is all about castles and princes and gowns and a creepy guy in a hoodie for “plot”. I especially like how they emphasize this guy’s downward spiral by rubbing some dirt on his face. He’s DIRTY, and therefore probably POOR, get out of Ana’s life, you dirt besmudged poor person! This is the kind of hilariously obvious thinking that leads to trashterpiece classics. The first two movies were a little too boring for that, but maybe Fifty Shades Freed will be the one to break through the unintentional comedy barrier. If this movie isn’t going to be good—and it’s not—then at least it can be entertaining. So yeah, let’s do an entire movie made up of real estate beauty shots, vaguely uncomfortable sex scenes, and Dakota Johnson visibly wishing she was anywhere else in the world.
