For the first time in three years, the Oscars will have a host again. This year’s telecast is currently scheduled for March 27, and Craig Erwich, president of ABC Entertainment, owner of the network on which the Oscars currently air, stated that they intend to have a host, or maybe hosts, for the show. Dwayne Johnson is reportedly on the wish list—naturally—though getting someone to commit during the pandemic is “proving challenging”. But they will eventually get someone to take the gig, even if they have to go much further down the ladder than the Rock. The question now is, who should host?


Lainey has suggested Channing Tatum, a solid choice in the Hugh Jackman mold. Judd Apatow thinks it should be Steve Martin and Martin Short, who certainly know the ropes of such a gig inside and out by now, and they are beloved enough to be a broadly satisfying choice. They might be too busy filming the next season of Only Murders in the Building, though.

At this point, with ratings in the toilet and unlikely to climb out, I would love to see the Academy go full-on conceptual and hire someone like Bo Burnham or Eric Andre or Nathan Fielder and just let them do whatever the f-ck they want. Maybe if the Oscars turn into a completely unpredictable spectacle, people will start tuning in again. Consider once more the benefits of releasing a pack of ravenous wolves during the telecast. The glamor, the drama, the potential for utter chaos to unfold! No one knows what the wolves will do! Maybe they will sleep the entire time, uninterested in human affairs. Or maybe they’ll eat someone! Who knows! The time for Wolf Host is now.


If they’re not going to release a pack of ravenous wolves, though, someone along the lines of a Dwayne Johnson or a Channing Tatum is a pretty good idea. The host doesn’t need to be a comedian, necessarily, the host just needs to be a good entertainer. The list of stars beloved by all isn’t terribly long these days, and it will undoubtedly be hard to convince someone or someones to come out and host as the pandemic continues to rage. And the Oscars hosting gig was already unpopular three years ago, when the Academy went hostless, and I doubt it is any better regarded today, especially as the Oscars themselves have hemorrhaged viewers in the last few years. I’m not sure what the upside to hosting is, unless you find someone who is either invested in supporting and restoring the glamor of the night and The Movies, or you find a comedian willing to risk flopping just for the national exposure. 

Or, you know. They could just release the wolves.