I’m married to a wonderful person, but naturally, he has flaws. One of them is that he doesn’t like Succession.
I know. We watched the whole first season, he said he was out, but I wheedled, ‘maybe you’ll like it this season, everyone says it’s so great!’ He gave it two episodes, but can’t do it. We ask that you respect our privacy at this difficult time.
He says he can’t deal because they’re all so mercenary and calculating – which of course is the point. I’ve been thinking about the deliciousness of their craven behavior as I binged by myself all weekend ...and then, last night, I had a revelation:
That’s what you all love about Gwyneth Paltrow, isn’t it!? All of you who can’t get enough of her whole thing just love to see whatever she’s gonna do next, no matter how absurd and utterly unrelatable because it’s almost Shakespearean comedy?
Last night, when I saw her outfit, I finally got it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a convert, but I was just so completely tickled by the blasé absurdity of this person, and I feel like when you have a breakthrough in therapy, or math class. I get it now..!
So first there’s the inherent absurdity of a ‘naked dress’. That is, it’s a fundamentally ridiculous concept in that you’re covered up but also not at all, but who among us hasn’t flirted with sheerness, even if we ran shuddering afterwards?
Not that there’s anything to shudder about here. It’s a beautifully constructed Fendi dress, and I love the colour, actually – somewhere between caramel and toast, which looks perfect on her. The garment is gorgeous, even if it’s an intrinsically absurd concept. The elaborateness of ruffles and decorations, and sheer on top of sheer on top of sheer – no matter how many layers you add, it’s still sheer! It’s fundamentally ridiculous, but fashion sometimes is, and I love stuff that has a sense of humour. That’s what makes it art and not just a sack to cover your nudity (or not). I’m here for it.
What kills me, though, what made me crack up as much as Tiffany Haddish throwing down ‘Chernoooobyyyyllll’ is that there’s the initial concept of the naked dress – the miles of sheer made to look like a dress would if it weren’t in fact see-through – but then there’s ALSO a perfectly fitted midriff section, made without a single wrinkle, so that it implies the dress is two pieces, and that her midriff is nude!
Just pause with me for a second and think about the tailoring and engineering that has to go into that one section, so that your nude overlay looks like it’s not actually there. I know it happens in, like, skating costumes, but those have a construction function – there needs to be fabric to physically hold the thing together. I’m just astounded at the folly of so much time and money and effort to achieve the same – nude - effect that is ALREADY HAPPENING!
And then – and then! Once the nude on nude on nude is happening, and strategically covered by – let’s be real, absolutely divine but utterly pointless underwear - when she’s as close as possible to what I assume is her idea of Coachella-hippie festival chic….
Then she LAYERS DIAMOND NECKLACES UNDER IT! Her cool, chill, I’m-down-with-my-hot-Goop-bod look involves not just one priceless diamond necklace, but three Bvlgari ones, “that [her stylist] sewed together and uniquely styled under the dress to twinkle through more subtly from underneath, to balance her mega-watt earrings.”
I’m dying. I have passed. This is the ultimate purpose of Gwyneth, right? To do intricate and nonsensical things that directly contradict each other for our amusement and entertainment? And then we talk about it endlessly, and she smiles, benevolently if condescendingly, and thinks “Yes, you see? I have to do these things to keep my public happy”.
One of those things is also wearing a pair of underwear (Jacek was convinced it was a thong, I feel it’s more of a Brazilian brief or whatever they’re called) that allowed her naked-but-not-naked ass to get some air time during the broadcast, scandalizing and titillating the internet. Here are some carefully sourced shots for you to be horrified by…
If you missed it on the broadcast, though, she also followed it up with this: (and you know she giggled to herself about whether or not posting it was ‘cheeky’):
I suddenly find her magical. I think I might have a fever. I don’t know if she can ever again charm me in her utter absurdity the way she did last night, but we’ll always have the naked dress.