Gwyneth Paltrow and goop are recommending that you hydrate your anus with coffee to kick off the New Year. This is supposed to help with detox. I have so many questions. Here’s the priority question: Are you supposed to coffee-flush your asshole before or after steaming your vagina? When did that entire region become like brunch, and not in the good way, like the Colin Farrell way? (Dlisted) 

The Oscars are almost exactly two months away, which still feels like a while, especially this year because they’re happening after the Olympics. Every year though, ahead of the Oscars, we get to read those “anonymous Oscar voter” interviews at THR or Variety and every year it’s always an asshole talking about how s/he voted like an asshole. Kayleigh Donaldson is making a solid case here for why those features shouldn’t be published anymore. (Pajiba) 
This is a very flattering article about “surprise Golden Globe nominee” Jessica Biel in The Sinner, about how it was overlooked and why you should watch it. But why was it overlooked? Can you think of any reason why Jessica Biel would have been overlooked? Can you think of one reason why? Can you think of one person who might have overlooked her? Or one person who might be the person who’s constantly cock-jacking her? Did HE even watch The Sinner? (Mashable) 
Totally agree – Jenny Slate looks so good in this Dolce&Gabbana dress. She might be doing more for the dress than it deserves because as far as D&G floral patterns go, I’ve seen better. You know what I call this cut of dress? It’s a Monica Bellucci dress. Right? How many times have you seen Monica Bellucci wear a dress like this? They probably designed it specifically with Monica Bellucci in mind. (Go Fug Yourself) 
Tom Brady, Bill Belichik, and the New England Patriots sound like they’re becoming the Lannisters. Or already are the Lannisters. You know what to me is the grossest about this situation and the lifestyle that Tom and his business partner are trying to push on people? They’re insisting that their method could “absolve football of responsibility for injury”. And Tom even wrote that “when athletes get injured, they shouldn’t blame their sport”. Um, he plays in a league that once tried to deny the existence of CTE! Is this really the kind of language we want to be using right now? (Cele|bitchy) 

Would I want to eat pancakes with bacon and maple syrup every day? Yes. Do I? No. Most days it’s a a hardboiled egg and some fruit. Or a smoothie. Pretty boring. Sometimes it’s sushi (but never a sushi croissant). On the weekends, it’s dimsum. But there are certain weekends when you just need to bring the bacon. And the pancakes. And the maple syrup. To say “never” to that option? Well, that’s Pippa Middleton. (The Cut)