What is it?

Compliments with rocks.

What is it REALLY?

Fortune-telling. (The security guy was directing people to the “crystal ball” and when someone corrected him he did not care.)

How does it work?

Colleen McCann (Goop’s “resident shaman”) sits down with you and stares intensely into your eyes and loves everything you say. She gives you a “crystal prescription” based on her reading of you, and the crystals can be used to amplify your energies and align your chakras.

Alternatively, it doesn’t.

What was your crystal prescription?

I was drawn to the malachite which means I’m open to transformation, or that poison green is one of my favorite colors, take your pick. I was also given citrine, the “happiness” stone, which is either a sincere wish for happiness in my life or masterful shade, depending on how much you believe in crystals, and clear quartz, which I assume everyone gets because it’s the “master healer”. It didn’t help with my headache, though.

Of course it didn’t work for you, you don’t believe in it.


How much does this cost in the real world?

$250 for an hour-long reading.

$250 human dollars?

Wellness is a great racket.