❗
Disclaimer: This article was posted during an early period of the site when some of the writing was extremely offensive. Since then our site has grown and evolved. We have apologised, continue to take accountability, and documented our changes. Please see our FAQ on our About page for our formal statement.

Dear Gossips,

I am still cringing from yesterday’s record-breaking Fontrum courtesy of Katie Holmes’s awkward come hither dance for her husband. It’s like the movie Airplane - the more you watch it, the funnier it gets. Or in this case, the more you watch, the more embarrassed you feel. For her suspect skills, for his really short pants, for the way he has to overact everything, for her horribly uncoordinated leg kick. I’m not going to make you watch it again. I wouldn’t torture you like that. But just fast forward to 1:30 and look at the leg kick. The f-ck?

And this, really, is the issue: why do people keep telling her she’s some kind of dance wizard? People.com is calling it a “sexy serenade”. Celebrity choreographers are jerking themselves off to her moves. And she keeps getting invited to perform in these environments...why? Remember last summer they kept blowing hype up our asses about her performance on So You Think You Can Dance and it ended up being pretaped, overedited, and lame ass boring? She looked great, yes. And all she did was walk around with her toes pointed.

This is a Hollywood illness. They are indulged, they are encouraged, they suck and they are still told the opposite. And they keep grooming the little ones to be like that too. Sure Molly, you can be anything you want to be, as long as you put your mind to it and try really, really hard and really, really believe in yourself, ok sugar?

But what if Molly has no rhythm?

It’s Thursday. Am crusty because the Canucks wasted my f-cking time last night. Thanks God for Jon Hamm.

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

Share this post