Officially, my assignment sheet also includes John Legend, but can we acknowledge what we know? JL, you look great, it’s not about you, we gotta go.

Okay. These dresses are kin to one another—not yin and yang, more like Big and Little Sis. But they’re both about how you can do the MET Gala and stay in your comfort zone, if you don’t think you can pull off a full-body Gumby homage like Helen Lasichanh did.

Obviously—OBVIOUSLY Janelle Monae’s is the superior. I think that because she has always had so much focus and control over her overtly black and white look, she doesn’t always get enough cred for how amazing it can be. And if I’m being honest, maybe it would have more impact if it didn’t call to mind bits of both her Golden Globes and SAG dresses.

But. BUT:

LOOOOOOK at that head/neck/wrap thing!

If I knew anything about ballet, it would remind me of Swan Lake. She keeps her makeup so simple (because she can, because Janelle Monae) so that we can take in how her neck rises from the structure of the thing, and how she has once again used her hair as an outlet for accessories. Then there are the tiny little … what are those, knuckle-warmers? … that just pop every time she has her hands on her skirt, which is all the time because said skirt is everywhere. 

It’s all stuff she already would do, this is just giving her the opportunity.

Meanwhile, Chrissy Teigen’s is the more wearable option. You know, on account of how it’s sheer from waist-to-floor. HA. But even here there are moments. C.T. is not dumb. She knows she plays in ‘conventionally pretty’, not so much avant-garde. She told PEOPLE she was holding herself back from going ‘over-the-top’ because she’s made that ‘mistake’ before (I am hard-pressed to find this. If anything, she’s been too understated and traditional) and wanted to stay ‘pretty’…

I have about sixty-eight things to say about how she shouldn’t HAVE to stay pretty and how the whole point of this kind of theme is not being traditional and understated, but then again, I don’t make my money by being beautiful for a living.

Besides—she doesn’t need me. She has it covered. This dress, this Marchesa which would be too froof and too much and make Lainey’s teeth start to itch at any other occasion—the volume at the neck and the wrist make this more special than it would otherwise be. The makeup and hair make it more of something, too. It’s not pretty. It’s attractive, which is a whole other metric—but it lets her get to play while keeping her day job.

Janelle Monae remains the queen of the avian influence, but if you think, as I do, that she could get married in that dress, knuckle-shrugs and all, then Chrissy Teigen is primed to be bridesmaid.

Thanks for coming, John.