Yesterday was Jennifer Lopez’s 53rd birthday and while she and Ben Affleck were celebrating in Paris with their kids, a new issue of On The JLo arrived in our inboxes – and once again she was making an announcement, though decidedly not as gossipy as last week when she revealed all those details about the Bennifer wedding in Vegas.
This time it was a celebrity standard: she was selling us some sh-t, with her ass.
I mean, it’s not like we didn’t know that, eventually, handing over our email addresses would result in this kind of content. But the thing about JLo is that she buttered us up all slick and gooey first with all the personal details and the gossip. And now she’s openly trying to profit from her most famous body part, no apologies. It was a matter of time…even though time does not seem to have caught up to her ass? Look at it. She wants you to, via PEOPLE.
I will not be buying JLo’s Booty Balm. Even though JLo admits that "I remember her wishing that there was some magic formula that was just going to make it disappear... And the truth is, we know that doesn't exist”, she insists that her project does “improve the appearance of the skin”. Right …but it won’t improve my ass DNA, which is flatness. I was born with a flat ass, nothing will change that unless I get whatever it is that the Kardashians are getting injected into their asses and that’s just not my life. So while I like showing a LOT of leg, I’ve unfortunately never been an ass exhibitionist. The Booty Balm is for those who lead with the ass out – and if that’s you, I’ll be over here appreciating it with envy.
Is it possible to stop looking at her ass now and get on with the Bennifer? As I mentioned last week, this trip to Paris is a familymoon and the two of them were out all weekend with their children Violet, Seraphina, Emme, and Max enjoying lunches and dinners and ice cream and boat rides. The boat ride is where I related most to Ben because at one point he fell asleep:
Is this the one thing I have in common with Ben Affleck? I can fall asleep anywhere, but I fall asleep fastest on transportation. If something is moving, it’s lights out for me. And lights out, always, with my mouth open. If I were on a boat cruising down the Seine after all kinds of cheese and fresh bread, with the sun on my face? Same, Ben. Same.
And while Bennifer did have time on their own on this trip, including last night when they went out for dinner for her birthday proper, it really was also a family holiday to mark the merging of their families with the wedding. JLo had Max on her lap for a while on the river cruise and Ben and Violet were seen sweetly embracing at one point on the river cruise:
Violet was also seen hugging JLo when they were out for lunch.
So in spite of some early speculation about whether or not everyone’s down with this marriage, and people trying to rumour-monger that Violet may not have been supportive, these people seem happy to me. Maybe you’re getting a different read but on my read, having been through my parents’ divorce, my ma’s subsequent remarriage, and then my parents getting back together (yes, my parents are dramatic AF), children DO actually want their parents to be happy. And, yes, it’s possible for exes to want their exes to be happy too.
