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Re-f*cking-volting. James, I mean. No doubt he can falsetto but holy sh*t is he ever ugly – and yes, from every possible angle. My eyes felt raped just looking at him. Those teeth, that nose, the pasty white skin juxtaposed with her beauty – it goes against every law of beauty, it offends me to the core, and I don’t understand why she looks like Pocahontas wearing a paper bag. Besides, isn’t he a filthy pig? Like legendary womaniser? Like John Mayer? One of those guys who writes all these leg-opening cheesy songs about mothers and daughters and fathers and beauty not because they’re really all that deep but because it’s the best way to get laid and practise their perversions? Such as peeing on people? Doesn’t James Blunt strike you as the type? And don’t we want better for Petra? Poor girl has been through enough, to say nothing of that little blip with Bruce Willis. Sigh. Why do the pretty ones always pick the trolls?

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