Katy Perry dropped the official video for Swish Swish this morning. In about 12 hours, Taylor Swift ushers in a new era. As much as I would like to, I can’t pretend that I don’t care about Taylor’s Reputation. Even if the cover art made me roll my eyes so hard, laugh and say out loud, “this petty bitch is so extra,” I know I’m going to be waiting for the drop at midnight like everyone else. In pop music news, today belongs to Taylor Swift. So, if you’re Katy Perry, is now really the best time to release a music video? Wouldn’t it have been better to wait until Sunday and drop it during the VMAs when at least a few people are actually paying attention to you?
And this is not just any video. The Swish Swish video is allegedly a parody of Bad Blood. Well, if Katy Perry is going to take on the “Regina George in sheep’s clothing,” she’s going to have to come with a lot better than this.
Since Katy has never heard the world “subtle” and seems to have an allergy to metaphors, the Swish Swish video is, of course, basketball-themed. There’s a one minute 14 second intro featuring NBA legend Bill Walton and announcer Rich Eisen announcing players with nicknames like Tragic Johnson, Shaquille O’Meal and Kobe Perry. Guys, when did Katy Perry get so hilarious? The video depicts Katy’s team named The Tigers facing off against The Sheep. You see what she did there? OK, I get it. The video is supposed to be a classic, kitschy, goofy Katy Perry video that we’re not supposed to take too seriously. OK, but shouldn’t it at least be a little bit funny? And doesn’t Katy Perry know any real celebrities?
Lainey and I debated who the most “famous” person in this video is. I went with Terry Crews and Lainey said “the kid from Stranger Things.” Yeah, so this is the star power we’re working with here. Taylor Swift basically wrangled together all of the “it” supermodels of her generation, an oblivious Kendrick Lamar and Meredith f-cking Grey for Bad Blood. Katy got Terry Crews, Molly Shannon, Stranger Things’ Gaten Matarazzo, an unrecognizable really talldude who is apparently the Mountain from Game of Thrones, and the least notable half of the cast of GLOW. As for athletes, she only managed to get Karl-Anthony Towns from the Minnesota Timberwolves and New England Patriots mascot Rob Gronkowski. If you’re Katy Perry and you’re confident enough that you’ve decided to go ahead and release a video on the same day your nemesis drops her new single the Internet is already obsessed with, shouldn’t you have at least gotten one A-lister in the video? Didn’t Katy Perry and Rihanna used to be friends? Isn’t Katy BFFs with benefits with Robert Pattinson? If Katy really wanted to come for Taylor, at least put a Kardashian in the video for f-ck’s sake. This sh-t is embarrassing.
If we’re going to stick with the basketball theme, this was Katy’s chance to shoot her shot and she missed hard. Swish Swish is an epic air ball. It’s worse than Klay Thompson’s 360 dunk attempt in China earlier this summer. Right now, Taylor Swift is looking like Vince Carter and Katy’s the 7-footer Vince Carter dunked over and became the guy with his head in Vince’s balls on basketball posters for the rest of eternity.
Nicki Minaj couldn’t even pull a Missy Elliott and save the day with her halftime show performance. Here’s the one nice thing I will say about Swish Swish. Nicki looks AMAZING and she delivers the best line of the clip: “Get it together, Katy.” Nicki Minaj is all of us.