Kristen Bell’s butterfly regret

Kristen Bell recently opened up about some regrets she has about how she spent her time in the dating scene prior to meeting and ultimately marrying her now husband, Dax Shepard. She made the revelation on an episode of Dax’s Armchair Expert podcast, saying:

“I just wish I butterflied around more.” In other words, she wished she had more sex with other people.

The conversation came about when Kristen’s guest, Justine Lupe, reflected on the different lovers she had, and how she spent most of her 20s dating, and having short, months-long relationships with men. Her anecdotes prompted Dax to point out that Kristen had regrets about her early dating life, suggesting this is a topic they’ve definitely spoken about before in their marriage.

Cohost Monica Padman posed an interesting question to Kristen upon hearing her confession, and she asked her to rank her level of sexual activity when she was back in her twenties between 0 and 10. 

"Four. And I just wish I maybe would have gone six," Kristen responded.

As someone who was always on the fence about Kristen Bell, never quite committing to liking or disliking her, this revelation is a game-changer for me, making her immediately more likeable. And that’s because I think what she’s admitting here is a) refreshing, b) a surprisingly widely-shared regret amongst women who’ve given themselves the time and space to reflect and c) it shows that she can give things a second thought. We’ll come back to that last part later.

Selfishly, I wish they spent more time than they did on this topic, because it’s a kickoff for a really interesting conversation about the apprehension that so many women have had towards casual sex and dating. Plus all of the things that we can learn about ourselves and our bodies by having those experiences (or not, if you catch my drift). I mean, if they allowed this topic to derail the entire episode and have it be a conversation exclusively about the differences in which they approached dating in their 20s, I would have been thrilled. 

First, I wish they probed Justine on what she felt like she got from her relationships and sexual encounters. And maybe didn’t get. And more importantly, I really wish they got into the reasons Kristen didn’t ‘butterfly around’ a bit more. But I think I know why.

Personally, I’ve always been pretty liberal about sex and dating for most of my life. I called BS very early on about the archaic views towards women who enjoy sex and aren’t afraid to admit it. And having lived a life that reflects that, I’ve often been judged harshly for the fact that my male partners don’t typically last longer than two years. Or the fact that no, this is not the guy I brought to the last wedding but yes they do look the same. And as recently as last night on social media, I’ve been judged for becoming a mother out of wedlock and opting for a cat instead of a husband as I continue to forego marriage in the name of keeping my spot in one of the happiest cohorts of the human population while modelling to my daughter that there is life outside of marriage, should she decide it’s not for her.

At times, that judgement has been rigid. And it was hurtful. And it meant being called some ugly names, sometimes by those closest to me. But with time, I would hear from so many women, including ones that previously cast judgement, that one of their greatest regrets was the fact that they hadn’t been as liberal as I was about sex and dating. But in their case, and in Kristen’s, I understand why. 

Studies show that there is still a huge double standard as it pertains to the level of sexual activity between men and women, with the expectation that sexual activity among men is “more expected and evaluated more positively than for women.” And when it comes to slut-shaming, the stats are alarming. 

“As a consequence, men and women can be treated differently for the same sexual behaviors. For example, slut-shaming is experienced by 50% of girls, compared with 20% of boys,” the study reads. I mean, yeah, doesn’t exactly sound like a party, right?

While she didn’t say it explicitly, Kristen’s apprehension toward having an approach and experience that was more like Justine’s could very likely have been because of that. That air (which is sometimes more like a hurricane) of expectation that exists for women, kind of like an invisible seatbelt we move through the world with, restricting us and keeping us “tame”.

And with those expectations being even more intense in the past than they are today, and certainly more nuanced for women in Hollywood, that can definitely add another layer on the cake of caution. And we haven’t even begun to discuss the inherent power imbalance that exists that can leave women extremely vulnerable. 

And perhaps that explains why Kristen isn’t the only celebrity to lament not having more sex earlier in life. Back in 2020, Toni Braxton revealed in an interview that she wished she had more sex and partied a little harder – two things that are often conflated but, to be clear, don’t always go hand in hand.

“I regret not having more sex when I was younger,” she said. “I should have drank more. I should have partied more. Smoked more, even. I think my religious upbringing stopped me from doing a lot of things that I should have done. It’s not a good look at the age I am now.”

Though I don’t agree with her on the idea that it’s ‘not a good look’ at her age now, because, who says?, I do agree that we should do more when we’re younger. And so do the women who frequently take to personal forums like Reddit and Quora to express similar sentiments, and Kristen on the podcast, often when they’re at later stages in life. 

This 2019 Sun article looked at four women and asked them to profess their number of sexual partners and thoughts on whether they wish they’d had more sex earlier on in life. The number of partners ranges from 1 to about 100 (she stopped counting), and their reasons for not over-indulging range from ‘not feeling mature enough’ to marrying early or wanting to ‘save’ herself for ‘the ideal fantasy’ (which she admits did not exist). 

But interestingly, one woman touched on a feeling of regret over some of the casual sex encounters saying, “There were times I regretted jumping into bed too soon, especially when it didn’t go anywhere.”

This is just one component of something called sexual regret, which, perhaps is best described as the opposite of what Kristen is expressing, and instead, is regret over having casual sex. And there’s good reason for women to feel this way. 

Studies show that women are more likely to regret having a one-night stand than a man might be. Men are actually more likely to regret missing the opportunity to have had a one-night stand. And it comes down to biology – women risk pregnancy, and they are even more likely to experience sexual regret if they don’t have a gratifying or satisfying experience – and for heterosexual women, the odds of not having a pleasant experience is likely. 

So, what, then, do we make of all this? Well, first, it appears that yet again, women can’t win. If you go through the earlier stages of your life cautious, heeding the warnings from everyone around us that sex could lead to unwanted pregnancy, infections and STIs, and my personal favourite, being deemed as LeSs VaLuAbLe Or WoRtHy in the eyes of…people, you wake up later on in life with regret. And if you, like me, throw caution to the wind and do it your way, you don’t wake up with regrets but you take quite the verbal beating for living life on your own terms, which sometimes makes you question your modus operandi.

All of this underscores why giving things a second thought, which I said we’d come back to, is crucial. Recently, I saw a reel where a woman cheekily expressed “the art of the second thought”. Prior to seeing her video, I’ve long felt that one of the greatest indications of intelligence is someone willing to change their mind when presented with new information. It shows they are more concerned with getting it right than being right. 

There is no new information more powerful than lived experience, the kind that changes your perspective on things. So I think the more women we have coming together united not only in the art of the second thought, but also their personal feelings over letting society dictate what to do with their bodies, signals to younger woman that it’s okay to make your own choices. And that doesn’t seem to be a message we get from anyone or anywhere else except each other.