Intro for July 31. 2019

Lainey Posted by Lainey at July 31, 2019 12:41:45 July 31, 2019 12:41:45

Dear Gossips,

I would like to talk about snacks. I consider myself an expert on snacks. If you visit this site often, you may be familiar with my passion for Oreos and Cheetos. I have found so many creative ways to incorporate Cheetos and Cheeto dust into my food that I could probably come up with a cookbook. For example: add Cheeto dust to your mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and your meatloaf. I’ve also sprinkled Cheeto dust into my congee before. TRUST ME. It’s a winner.

So yesterday, to promote the release of Avengers: Endgame, a video featuring Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan reading thirst tweets was released online. At one point, Anthony reads a tweet comparing him to flaming hot Cheetos. The exact wording was: 

“Anthony Mackie is so f-cking fine I hope his cheetos are FLAMING HOT like him” 

His response: 

“You know what? They are. And them flaming hot Funyons is the jam.” 

I’ve tried Funyons. They are very, very good. Here’s the problem: they are near impossible to find in Canada – and believe me, I have spent many hours of my life in the snack aisle. I know the snack aisle at my local grocery like I know my closet. Some weekends I’m about to request a meeting with the store manager to offer my services as a snack stocking consultant because they do this thing at the grocery where they tweak where items are placed from week to week and some weeks, the placement is excellent and some weeks, the placement is stupid. For example, Doritos should never be too close to Cheetos, like there should be some popcorn and other business in between them because Doritos and Cheetos are flavour friends. Many people buy both so it’s just smart business to introduce other products to the customer in the time that it takes them to pick up a bag of Doritos and then scan for the Cheetos. After all, that’s probably why the grocery keeps moving sh-t around right? They don’t want you to get too comfortable knowing exactly where things are that you don’t discover new items you could spend your money on. 

Anyway, back to Funyons – can’t find them here. I could order them online, and I do order some snacks online, like Barbara’s Cheese Puffs (jalapeño is the best flavour), but there’s a specific pleasure that comes with buying your snacks in hand while you’re shopping for all the necessities. And I’ve never had that pleasure with Funyons. This is a constant bitch for me: American snacks that aren’t available in Canada. 

BUT.

There is a Canadian snack that isn’t available in America that I still wouldn’t trade Funyons for, as awesome as they are. That would be ketchup chips. Ketchup chips are, in my opinion, the best chip flavour, better than salt and vinegar (which, depending on the brand, can totally taste off, in that stinky vinegar way) and all-dressed, and sour cream and onion (I’ve never found a brand that is truly concentrated equally in the sour cream and onion flavour) and the rest. If dill pickle flavour was more consistent, I might put that up in a fight against ketchup but, brand to brand, the dill doesn’t hold up. Ketchup, on the other hand, is consistent brand to brand. It’s just that reliable, like Cheetos. Cheetos are so reliable, I don’t think they get enough credit for it. 

While we’re on the subject of snacks and food that’s bad for you, I’ll make one more declaration and then you can start yelling. The best flavour of gummies? Whether it’s bears or worms or whatever? 

Cola. Cola flavoured gummies are the sh-t. 

But allllll of the above only applies to North American snacks. It’s a whole other rumble if we’re cage matching North American snacks and Asian snacks. You have not lived until you’ve studied and consumed the snack aisle at an Asian grocery store. And I don’t mean your basic bitch Pocky either. I’m talking hard to find seaweed tempura and preserved egg chips and shrimp flavoured everything and mochi balls that come out of a box that taste good even when they’re stale. 

Here’s the Anthony Mackie/Sebastian Stan thirst tweet video: 

 

Yours in gossip,

Lainey 
 

Photos:
Alberto E. Rodriguez/ Getty Images

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