Dear Gossips,

On Monday night, when Duana and I were trading texts about MET Gala assignments and early commentary on where we would land with our fashion rankings, I said to her that we were using more exclamation points for this event than we do any other. Exclamation points in exhilaration (Solange! Celine!) and exclamation points in anger (Selena! Chastain! Elle Fanning!). The point of all the exclamation points? The MET Gala might be the most fun to recap. You want the ones who gloriously work the theme. And, yes, you want the ones who can’t work the theme.

So, yes, I’m still mad about Gisele and I’m still mad about Gwyneth and I’m definitely mad at those two because if even Caroline Kennedy, the honourary co-chair, can show up on theme, in Comme Des Garcons, why the f-ck couldn’t Gisele Bundchen and Gwyneth Paltrow, two women who’ve had clothes thrown at them their entire lives?

I got an email last night from a reader who posited that the reason Gwyneth skipped the theme was because she’s a businesswoman now and she couldn’t dress too “avant-garde” because she’d turn away investors. Sorry, but that’s bullsh-t. She tells people to steam their pussies like it’s dimsum. And then shove a jade into their wontons. If that hasn’t turned away investors, wearing an outrageous outfit to fashion-art’s most high profile party of the year won’t turn away investors. Also… Caroline Kennedy is rumoured to be running for office and even she managed to walk the carpet in a CDG dress that the Facebook MiniVan Majority wouldn’t understand.

You know what’s amazing about Caroline Kennedy’s piece though? And why it was such a perfect pairing? A couple of years ago I went to the Smithsonian and walked through the presidential exhibit. That day – and I would guess on most days – the most popular part of that exhibit (longest queues) was the section featuring the First Ladies. They draw you in with First Lady fashion, some of the most famous gowns in American presidential history. Then you keep going and they show you the china patterns used by the different first ladies during their stay at the White House. As soon as I saw Caroline Kennedy on the MET Gala red carpet, I thought of Mary Todd Lincoln. Google Mary Todd Lincoln, look through all those portraits. Now look at Caroline Kennedy’s dress and tell me you’re not seeing teacups and serving platters. That’s the genius of Rei Kawakubo, right there. She modernises, she deforms, she perverts, she interrogates. When you’re Gisele and Gwyneth though, why would you be interested in any of those questions?

Yours in gossip,