We live in a time where revealing truths horrify us daily, so I’m just going to lay it on the line: Sometimes Canadians have to do some shady sh-t to watch what we need to see. And we don’t need any judgment about it, okay? 

See, Handmaid’s Tale, Queen Sugar, Love Is… and Killing Eve all arrived on Canadian airwaves with a significant delay, well after their buzz was already happening. There was even a time circa 2011 when no one in Canada aired Scandal, so you watched on the ABC affiliate, but then it was pre-empted by the corresponding Canadian network… which is why people f-ck with VPNs and sketchy IP addresses and stuff. 

Now, my entertainment-business brain says this is akin to pirating music, since the shows involved don’t get their ratings due as a result, but these are desperate times: 

I need to see Dirty John. By any means necessary. Yes I know it’s on Bravo, but not *our Bravo. Yes, they’re different but also sort of the same. Somewhere, Sarah’s working up a joke about this, and it will be deserved. 

I need to see it. I need Connie Britton back in my life. These candy-coloured gowns she’s been wearing last week at the Globes and this week at Critics’ Choice (she went home empty-handed both times) aren’t the only reason why, but they’re part of it. I’m fully embracing my ‘contrary’ crown these days and I kind of think Britton is too – when everyone else is doing matte and lace she’s like “how about a neon sequined sequined column that’s also kinda pastel? Got one of those? No, I don’t want any architectural draping, let’s keep it on brand. Remember Rayna, guys.” I love the willingness to go against that grain.

The role of Debra in Dirty John is like that too, I think. You may wonder how I know, not having seen it, but obviously I obsessed over the podcast the show was based on – and I know it would take someone like Britton to humanize the inexplicable choices of real person Debra Newell, and a brave actress to take on a role that might make you ‘less likeable’. Or at least I ASSUME IT DOES.

We also need Connie Britton in wider release so I can ask all the men in the world wtf is the problem that she’s been having trouble getting dates? By now you’ve seen the headline – she told Busy Phillips that Julia Roberts has tried setting her up with men, but it hasn’t gone very well.

Are you actually kidding me with this? What is the world where Connie Britton is having trouble meeting people? Where Julia Roberts, of all people, who is now Britton’s podcast-to-TV spiritual sister, can’t come up with an appropriate dude? As Lainey said last night, Julia is at her best when surrounded by men—you’re telling me she can’t come up with someone who would be delighted to go out with this woman and who has the brains and wit to keep pace with her?

What’s wrong with the world? What’s happening? Why are there endless franchises and none of them is “Impress Connie Britton’s Friends So They’ll Introduce You By Text”? 

In short, there’s a direct link between my not watching Dirty John and Connie Britton not finding love. I hope whoever’s responsible for this travesty is happy.