Do you want to know a terrible secret about me? I’m one of those people who likes to buy leggings and athleisure wear, but I don’t go to the gym enough to justify the purchases. I am basically the worst. I don’t always wear it everywhere, which would at least mean it got use covering my nudity, but I like to browse the fancy websites and shop for overpriced leggings and then go into cardiac arrest when I find out I’d have to pay for shipping from Australia.

But this Louis Vuitton gown that Riley Keough wore is hitting all the same pleasure centers and making me think of a bomber jacket and Michael Jackson (obviously) and some sort of wicked stepmother vibe, and I want it all. I want to go fight crime and cause problems in this dress. If they remade Buffy The Vampire Slayer today, no longer would Buffy fight crime in sensible clubwear… it would be this, and she would swing the chains like a mace, and I would love it.

It’s also a gigantic, exponential improvement over last year, when she looked bored and boring.

Riley Keough in 2016

And if I don’t take it easy, I’m going to wind up dying my hair platinum blonde, because the entire MET Gala is making it look so good. But seriously. We’ve said there are times when you know a given show or carpet is not about you. This is that for Riley. She’s not Rihanna or even Blake Lively, for God’s sake… so if you’re going to knock everyone straight out while still making it not about you, this is exactly how to do it.