Hello my slime puppies and welcome to my weekly check-in with our family of terrible people – the Roys and associated hangers-on. After each episode, I’ll be sorting the teams into hot/cold based on their position in the family drama. Spoiler alerts, obviously.


Hotter than the climate change that ATN says doesn’t exist 

Our number one boy: 

Gerri! Gerri! Gerri! The most obvious and deserving choice. But she’s facing a glass cliff, so hopefully she has a plan to push someone else off it to save herself. 

This revolting little worm gets a treat: 

Roman gets to play naughty boy/mommy with his literal boss while also sexually harassing someone who can technically fire him? It’s confusing for all of us. I respect the writers for not giving us another overtly sexual interaction between them because it shows restraint and that they aren’t acquiescing to what the audience wants. 

A poetess who loves cocaine: 

Naomi Pierce is TROUBLE. Imagine not just walking into another woman’s home with groceries, but using her wineglasses? And opening a bottle of wine without asking?! (Technically she got Greg to open it.) Annabelle Dexter-Jones plays rich so well, like not “I have money rich” but “I cannot imagine ever walking into a room that doesn’t mold to my every want and need” rich. She reeks of pedigree. And Logan was right about her and her relationship with Kendall – they are not good for each other.

Privileged information: 

We know Lisa Arthur (Sanaa Lathan) is the best because they all want her on their team and losing to Kendall rattled Logan. She also said a firm “no” directly to Shiv’s face and, like Rhea before her, seems to see exactly who everyone is and what they want. 

Chic walk of shame: 

Karolina getting kicked out of Ken’s SUV was cold, but honestly she looked super hot strutting down the sidewalk AND she proved her loyalty to the eldest Roy, which I think will come in handy. Also, it says more a lot about Ken that as soon as she brought up real problems that are happening in real time, he couldn’t handle it and kicked her out. Let’s see if she can hang onto her job while the sycophantic Hugo (played wonderfully by Fisher Stevens) cozies up to Logan. 


Can you hear me now?: 

The real winner of this episode is the Roys’ cellphone service provider because those phones work damn near everywhere. Even hiding in the bathroom 40,000 feet in the air. 

Colder than Marcia reading Shiv for filth the night before her wedding 

Boar on the floor: 

No doubt this is Logan. His position was best broken down by the conversion between Frank and Carl because yes Kendall is the current threat, but there are so many other pressing threats! Investigations and shareholders and Senate and Congress and Stewy and Sandy. It’s fire and brimstone and he’s rattled. But I will never count this man out. He does his best work when his back is against the wall and honestly he’s so formidable, I almost put him in the hot section. 

The “Bojack guys” can’t help you now: 

You are probably wondering why Ken is in the cold column when he’s so on fire. It’s because we’ve seen Ken in this state before and as Roman pointed out, he’s going to self-destruct because that’s what Kendall does. Telling Rava he did it for her and the kids (while fishing for her encouragement), then telling Frank he did it for him, then inviting Naomi over for dinner when he’s in the middle of important meetings (where he constantly interrupts people he says he wants to listen to) – it’s classic Kendall, hyper and unfocused, which always leads to a crash. He has blinders on and that has hurt him in the past (like when Stewy was able to buy up a huge chunk of the company with Sandy as his backer). Kendall is fighting his father but he’s also ignoring the multiple enemies of Waystar and he’s worried about tweets. It’s his endless need for approval that sinks him every single time.

Carl’s tummy: 

Someone get this man a sandwich! 


Rava’s strained smile: 

Kind. Patient. Smart. Sees through the bullsh-t. Has clocked ALL of the Roys. One of the only people to ever stand up to Logan (season one Thanksgiving episode.) Doesn’t react to Kendall’s extreme behaviour by coddling him, congratulating him, or chastising him. Doesn’t measure his worth in money or power. She’s probably the only person in his life who has unconditionally loved him and he destroyed it.

Not a hippy, Shiv: 

Tom and Shiv said goodbye on the tarmac on shaky ground but are a team out of necessity. He’s trying to gain ground in his marriage while also treading water within the inner circle at work and not doing either really well. The marriage is on ice but the business relationship that built the marriage is more pressing. (For some extra insight into their relationship, there’s some great stuff in this Variety interview – Kate Aurthur spoke to the show’s creator Jesse Armstrong.) 

The bob with the most airmiles: 

How quickly will a frazzled Shiv fall to Kendall’s side? I’m guessing straight away, which could mean Logan set a trap for her the same way he did with Rhea Jerell and the “other job” that was really a test of her loyalty. She failed that time, and she might fail again.


Greg’s credit score

Overwhelmed by social media and still riding the fence (even though he clearly helped Kendall), he is skating by. He has managed to fail upwards for so long but is Greg’s time running out? Even his mom thinks so – but how many Nutribullets does one woman need? She’s definitely reselling them on eBay. 

Giving a sh-t:

Stress can affect people’s bowel movements and we had two mentions of it from Kendall (able to go in Rava’s personal bathroom because he can’t sh-t where the help goes) and Logan (denying his team food so he can avoid diarrhea). Kendall can go but Logan doesn’t want to - what does this tell us about them, if anything? The last time this topic was broached, it was Ken sh-tting the bed after doing a ton of coke with Naomi.

We forgot about Connor and Willow (as did everyone else): Somewhere on a tarmac in the Balkans. Not hot or cold, just neutral actually.