F9 first began advertising in January 2020 for what was supposed to be a May 2020 release date, only to get pushed back multiple times due to the pandemic. Currently, it is slated to come out on May 28, but the Super Bowl TV spot ends with “In theaters soon”, and by now you should know what that means: it’s going to move again. The new spot teases the “Fast Family” reuniting, except for Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson. But who will notice their absence with the return of Charlize Theron as That Hacker Lady With The Bowl Cut and Helen Mirren as Driving Mom, and the addition of John Cena—who looks weirdly de-aged—as the new villain? Actually, it is pretty cool that Helen Mirren will FINALLY get to drive in one of these movies, here’s hoping they put Furiosa herself behind the wheel, too. I just think it’s funny they’re selling this as a reunion of all the popular characters when the Rock is conspicuously absent (even though he supposedly signed onto the film, he’s not in it, he went off to make Hobbs & Shaw, instead). I’m sure all those rumors of a Vin Diesel/Dwayne Johnson feud were nothing, right?
There is one major fan-favorite return, though. We get a very fast look at Sung Kang returning as Han, who was killed by Jason Statham years ago. #JusticeForHan! Eventually! Whenever this movie comes out! I really hope Han sits at that nice BBQ and makes his “friends” explain how they went on to become buddies with Jason Statham after he killed Han. (Also, I realize that Jason Statham’s character has a name, it’s Shaw, but let’s be honest. Jason Statham is always playing “Jason Statham”.) We still don’t know how they will explain Han’s return in F9 but there is zero chance it will be dumber than Wonder Woman 1984’s body-swap. F9 might be the dumbest blockbuster of 2021, but it will never be dumber than that. Which is saying something since this movie appears to use magnets to pull cars through buildings, which is a thing that might as well happen in these silly ass movies.