Dear Gossips,

I’ve never been attracted to Adam Levine. Last night’s Super Bowl striptease didn’t change that. It wasn’t just that he kept taking off his (bad) clothes, it’s mostly because he can’t move. That hip swiveling and the lascivious expression on his face, with his mouth open half the time, like he was trying to say, “I know you want me” to the camera, and gyrating for emphasis – no, thank you. The Hollywood Reporter called it a “non-offensive” performance. Really? Because I was offended. By the vocals. By the bad dancing. And by Adam’s overall general grossness. As for whether or not it’s hypocritical that Adam tried to set a Super Bowl record for removing as many pieces of clothes as possible in the shortest amount of time, for which he most certainly will not be blacklisted, I mean, this is not a surprise. #NeverForget A woman’s body is something to be feared, a vessel for evil and corruption that must be controlled and policed. A man’s body is beyond reproach. I’m not an Adam Levine’s tattoo collection expert but if you told me that half of what he had inked on his body was done just for the Super Bowl, I would believe you. He is totally That Guy. Do we have to give that sh-t any more space? 

Time for more pressing issues – the second last day of the 12 Days of Lunar New Year. It’s New Year’s Eve! A few more hours left to get rid of last year and welcome the luck of the new year. I have one more load of laundry to do and tonight I’ll change the sheets. Also can’t wait to get into my new pyjamas, which were a Christmas gift I’ve been saving. Our cars are clean, every corner has been wiped down, every inch has been vacuumed, and ma is coming over tonight with pork and noodles and Buddha’s feast and probably a magnifying glass to make sure the place is spotless. It is. Except for the dogs. Those two assholes hate getting bathed. 

Speaking of dogs, it’s Dog day today. Two bad luck stars will try to f-ck up the Dog’s mood this year. They’ll make you grumpy and suspicious. The good news is that the Dog has the assistance of one of the most powerfully bright stars during the Year of the Pig. This star can help chase away the sh-tty vibes, help you stay positive. But it’s important to let yourself be open to positivity. No star can work if you don’t want to participate. You will have an important ally on your side. Make sure you appreciate their kindness. 

Dogs could have opportunity to meet new people this year, solidly increasing romantic prospects. It’s a good year for marriage and the best times for a wedding are June 6 – July 7 and December 7 – January 5, 2020. If you are a single Dog, this year is go time. Get out there and meet someone. If you are a coupled Dog, celebrate your anniversary. Honour your relationship. 

1946 Dogs are advised to take every opportunity possible to rest and stay healthy. 

1958 Dogs should be open to new friendships but be careful not to rush into decisions, don’t make hasty choices that become permanent. 

1970 Dogs may be helped by a benefactor who will elevate and promote you. But you must not take this person for granted. 

1982 Dogs are the luckiest of all Dogs this year but there will be a lot of temptation. Do not bring that f-cking drama into your life. Because you could end up pissing it all away. Nikki Minaj is a 1982. Let’s see how much drama she can avoid during the Year of the Pig.

1994 Dogs could see career advancement and success in their side hustles. Study more, learn new things, enroll in classes, dedicate yourself to improvement. It may pay off in future cycles.

What all Dogs should remember this year – and this is the most critical piece: learn how to say no. 

In February and March, there’s a swindle alert and legal issues might present themselves. You should not let your enthusiasm cloud your reason.

In April and May, be mindful of your money, especially among friends. Remember the part about “saying no”. This may come into play.

In June and July, you may want to control your impulses, particularly around food and drink. Take care of your body. This is not a time for excess. 

Learning how to say no means knowing your limits and it’s one way to find balance. Feng shui is all about balance. That’s the main takeaway for Dogs during the Year of the Pig. 

Tomorrow is Lunar New Year! The Pig will be featured along with final thoughts from ma on zodiac compatibility and cycles. 

Yours in gossip,