I’m pretty sure my family would only disown me over two things: 1. If I murdered someone and 2. If I became a New England Patriots fan. My family is very just and very into football. I think I could get my mom to help me bury a body but she physically recoils at the mention of Tom Brady. She loves my partner more than I do but every so often, usually during a Super Bowl, she’ll whisper to me, “We’ve got to convert him before he corrupts my grandchildren.” My partner loves Tom Brady. It’s still a mystery how he managed to win over my family at all. 

Tom Brady was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night. Has his smile always been this creepy? Are we sure Tom Brady hasn’t murdered anyone? For those who already dislike Tom Brady, this appearance isn’t going to change your mind. Tom Brady is promoting his book, The TB12 Method (like goop for straight, white dudes), and it’s the same rhetoric we’ve heard about Brady for his entire Bill Belichick-orchestrated career: he has a strict diet; his game is all mental; he’s disciplined. Yeah yeah yeah, Peyton Manning is still twice the quarterback he’ll ever be. But Tom eats pizza and cheeseburgers in the off season! Stars, they’re just like us!

The half-decent thing about this interview is that Colbert attempts to ask some questions that would require interesting answers, like what Brady thinks of players kneeling during the national anthem, and Brady’s response is as boring as the almond milk and protein powder he eats for breakfast every morning. He essentially just says that the kneeling brought up “healthy discussions in the locker room” and that he respects all races. So, he All Lives Mattered that sh-t. 

A better question would have been, “Hey Tom Brady, what do you think of the fact that the league you play for still won’t hire Colin Kaepernick solely because he’s a black man standing up for what he believes in?” 

Brady also bullsh-ts his answer about concussions. He said he’d still let his kids play football because the sport requires discipline. I’m sure dealing with CTE requires lots of discipline. Tom Brady has so much influence in the NFL and he’s pissing it away with diet tips and boring self-help books. Now, I’m mad at Lainey for making me watch this. Other highlights: he drinks lots of water. He hasn’t seen The Shape of Water. He hates strawberries. His massages are just as creepy as his smile. 

He even manages to not have a personality when he’s chugging beer. The most interesting thing about Tom Brady continues to be his wife, Gisele Bundchen, and she only gets a couple of quick mentions. 

You can watch Brady’s full segments below. Or, you know, save them for tonight right before you go to bed so they can put you to sleep.