Dakota Johnson & Jamie Dornan: Globes unhorny

January 12, 2015 10:45:14 Posted at January 12, 2015 10:45:14
Lainey Posted by Lainey
Jeff Vespa/ Jason Merritt/ Frazer Harrison/ Handout/ Getty Images

(The bottom of this post is NSFW)

“Together on stage for the first time…”

That’s how Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan were introduced. They were there to represent Fifty Shades Of Grey. They were there to promote the movie. To put it in your heads that you should consider the movie. To convince you that you might want to see the movie.

I’m stating the obvious here because, well, I’m not sure they know that it’s obvious. That that was the WHOLE POINT of showing up.

Like, after seeing these two present together, are you at all curious about how it’s going to be when they’re (fake) f-cking? Are you rubbing your legs together in anticipation?

I’ll tell you what I’m rubbing my legs over:

JLo’s The Boy Next Door. We’ll get to JLO later. What I’m saying here is that I’m way more horny for JLO getting DTF with a creepy teenager than I am for whatever it is that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan will be doing to each other when Fifty Shades finally comes out.

And, as I’ve noted repeatedly, there’s no satisfaction in thinking that. I WANT to see it and to be turned on. I WANT to get off. (Who wouldn’t want to get off?) But that only happens if they deliver. And, well, at the Globes, they weren’t delivering. Jamie looked almost embarrassed. Dakota, she does that thing where everything she says trails off at the end. Which…


Because Fifty Shades the book was based on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in Twilight the movie which was based on Twilight the book which featured the dullest f-cking girl in the entire supernatural universe.

Does that mean we won’t be getting any of this?

While You Watched the Golden Globes, Allison Williams Got Her Ass Eaten

Can Allison Williams be Anastasia Steele? Jesus, I never thought I’d say that.

Previous Article Next Article