The Perviest Trailer You’ll Watch Today

November 15, 2013 16:28:54 Posted at November 15, 2013 16:28:54
Duana Posted by Duana

Yesterday was one of those days when everything just piled up. I was overly busy and felt like I wasn’t getting stuff done and just spinning my wheels, mostly due to a lot of family visiting at once. Which, of course, makes you feel like you’re a teenager again, and very much not in the good way. Which is why the greatest present that could have come my way is the Flowers In The Attic trailer. Oh my GOD did this hit the spot.

First of all, this is not the original trailer. There was a 3-minute version that hit the web and just as quickly was taken down. So there’s an illicit factor immediately because if you want me to treat FITA like the porn it was when I was 12, having me scramble around the internet for it trying link after link is a really good way to do it.  To the point where I now wonder if that was a calculated move.

So. Assuming that you can still see the 30-second version (as of this writing it was still available) …OH MY GOD. Let’s just begin here. An actual establishing shot of Foxworth Hall is more than we got the last time (early 80s movie) so that’s an initial plus. This movie is going for it.

In fact, it seems like a shot-for-shot recreation of the painstakingly described scenes from the book. If you thought that maybe they were going to play this a little straighter or less like there was some overwrought melodrama here, you only have to check out the trembling scream on Ellen Burstyn’s self-righteousness and the huge windup Heather Graham takes before she decks her son, and know that it’s going to be just fine. Better than fine. Deliciously trashy.

There. Now don’t you feel all your family stresses fading away?

…and we haven’t gotten to the best part. 

… “You think I’m pretty?” 

Kiernan Shipka is perfect to play Cathy Dollanganger in part because Sally Draper is just as damaged as Cathy, and the terrible incest romance that happens to Cathy could just as well happen to Sally (she has Glen, who might be worse). But most importantly, they’re GOING THERE. There is the incest kiss, and the shirtless skinny-dipping, and all the other things that lead to disaster for Cathy and Chris because they just have to Do It. Even though The Grandmother will somehow watch and somehow know.

And “Sweet Child Of Mine” is playing creepily. I am all OVER this trash. I will pause for a moment and wonder which parents let their young children be in this movie  (I’m talking about the roles for the 6 year old twins) and then blithely breeze right past this concern, enter the airdate of January 18th into my calendar, and start campaigning for us to liveblog it. Hell, I could make a weeklong event out of this easy.

(Lainey note – both Duana AND Dean wanted to write about this. When I told Dean that Duana already called for all coverage on Flowers In The Attic, he wrote back “You KNOW I've read all the entire Flowers In The Attic series of books!” Yes, Duana too. And a lot of you. It’s a television event.)

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