Katie’s Allure...is boring

March 19, 2013 17:26:24 Posted at March 19, 2013 17:26:24
Lainey Posted by Lainey
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Katie Holmes covers the new issue of Allure. She’s apparently a beauty magnate now, the face of Bobbi Brown and, I didn’t know this before, co-owner of Alterna Haircare.

Katie Holmes’s Hair, Real or Fake? I’ve always thought it was real. And even Caleigh, my Hair, Real or Fake mentor, can’t be sure. Katie tells Allure that she doesn’t use extensions. Am I dumb? I believe this.

As you can see, the pictures are gorgeous. She is gorgeous. And... God... excruciatingly boring. It really doesn’t get more boring. I don’t think January Jones could be more boring. Here, try not to fall asleep at this response:

As for the immediate future, Holmes picks her words carefully. "I hope this is a peaceful year for a lot of people in the world. When you look back on the last year, there were a lot of tragedies—Hurricane Sandy, the Connecticut shooting. I...I just hope it's a good year for everyone." You included? Holmes smiles, then is quiet for a few beats. "A lot of people have gone through a lot of stuff."

That’s right. Katie Holmes just gave a world peace Miss America reply to the easiest, most open-ended question in the world that pretty much illustrates her personality.

What do you want, Katie?

I want peace.

BREAKING NEWS: Katie Holmes wants peace.

You know, when she was married to Tom Cruise, and she’d puke beige every time she opened her mouth, we had him to blame for removing part of her brain. Now? Now what? Can we still blame him?

Here’s the difficult truth about becoming a “lifestyle” entrepreneur, which is essentially what happens when a celebrity -- be it Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston, or George Clooney -- starts branding herself/himself outside acting: you are now selling YOUR LIFE, and your LIFE is inextricably linked to your PERSONALITY.

Why does it work for someone like George Clooney? Because Clooney, in pimping tequila and coffee and luxury cars, is exploiting the part of his personality, authentic or otherwise, that the public has long assumed to be his real self -- a decadent party playboy. You’ll note, he doesn’t sell Nespresso on his philanthropic virtues.

Why isn’t it working for Gwyneth Paltrow? Because no one wants to take advice from a stuck up golden girl who does yoga for half the day in her custom gym beside the apple orchard.

So will it work for Katie Holmes whose version of personality amounts to World Peace?

I don’t think about world peace when I’m washing my hair. I don’t think about world peace when I’m applying Bobbi Brown eye shadow. World peace isn’t going to make me want to wash my hair or apply eye shadow either.

You have to give me something more than World Peace if you’re trying to deliver on lifestyle. And if you’re not comfortable with the famewhoring required to be a purveyor or lifestyle, that game is not for you.

Click here to see more of Katie Holmes in Allure, even though you’d probably get more intrigue out of the Yule log channel.

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