Is Rob Lowe an incubus?
WAB/ Splash, Kevin Winter/ Getty
It isn’t that Rob Lowe is aging gracefully—Matt Damon is aging gracefully. Rob Lowe doesn’t appear to be aging AT ALL. There has to be an explanation for how he looks so impossibly young and fresh on the cusp of his fiftieth birthday. I’ve narrowed it down to five things.
1) Rob Lowe is drinking unicorn blood.
2) Rob Lowe had a magical portrait of himself painted in 1984.
3) Rob Lowe bathes in the blood of virgins.
4) Rob Lowe is actually an immortal alien being come to study humans.
5) Rob Lowe is an incubus and drains his victims of their youth.
Lowe opened the SAG Awards on Saturday night with a monologue on how being an actor reinforced his internal belief in his own specialness, which was basically the theme of the night. The SAGs don’t have a host, opting instead for an emcee managing things during commercial breaks (such as begging the winners to keep their thank you remarks brief so that the show wouldn’t go over its allotted two-hour run time) and announcing presenters over the sound system. Since there was no host, there were no bits, which is, in theory, my ideal award show. Except that in reality the void left by not doing forced, unfunny “comedy” bits was filled by self-congratulatory spiels about how life-affirming being an actor is. It is the circle-jerkiest of the circle jerk award shows.
But back to Rob Lowe. Because not only does he look incredible—seriously, forget Goop and Jennifer Aniston and whoever else is selling me life secrets, I want to know how Lowe has DEFEATED TIME—but he did an amazing thing right off the top of the show. As the camera zoomed in, a waiter asked if he could get past Lowe’s chair. And Lowe, without looking away from his in-coming close up or missing his cue, snapped, “No.” And because we live in this glorious age of internet, we can enjoy Rob Lowe’s incubus-face destroying this poor waiter’s self-worth on a loop.