Tom Hiddleston’s murder car

January 17, 2014 15:07:20 Posted at January 17, 2014 15:07:20
Sarah Posted by Sarah

The most insane commercial I’ve ever seen is the Folgers “Christmas incest” ad. I love that commercial, and I never thought anything could top its accidental comedy gold, until I saw the teaser for Tom Hiddleston’s Jaguar commercial, which will air during the Super Bowl. Why is this ad amazing? Because it appears to be about a QUADRUPLE HOMICIDE.

Let’s break it down.

The ad is entitled “Business Associates”. Hiddles is wearing a natty three piece suit, and has his black Loki hair and pale Loki skin. So far, the only ominous thing about it is that they’re clearly invoking Loki, but the ad campaign is called “British villains” (and also features Ben Kingsley and Mark Strong), so that makes sense.

The first line: “Imagine you need to move four business associates in a hurry.”

Move. Not “take”. Or “ferry”. Or “drive”. MOVE. You need to MOVE four business associates. You need to move them. This implies that your four business associates are incapable of moving themselves. Why can’t your four business associates move? What have you done to your four business associates?!

Pause for incredibly creepy villainous laugh.

Second line: “I think you know what I’m saying.”

I think you’re saying that you have four dead bodies in the trunk.

I almost don’t want to see the full ad. I don’t want it to ruin the premise of this teaser. On the other hand, I kind of want to know more about the murder(s). Who planned it? Where was it committed? Who were the victims? How was it done? Why is Hiddles the one who has to dispose of the bodies? Is it because he’s the newcomer? Where does he fit in this criminal organization? Is Ben Kingsley his boss? Or is this the aftermath of a rampage? Has Hiddleston effected a coup, taking over the shadowy crime syndicate hinted at by Kingsley? Is that why he’s in such a hurry? Dump the bodies, consolidate his power base, and become king of all organized crime in London?

Oh, so many questions.

But mostly I want to know to whom to send the thank you fruit basket, for letting us live in a world in which Tom Hiddleston is starring in a Super Bowl commercial about a quadruple homicide, and the major selling point of the car being advertised is that it will help you destroy the evidence quickly. Jaguar: For homicidal maniacs who prefer the finer things in life.

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