(Lainey: meet Dean! We need a dude voice on this site that’s, um, a lot less tits and ass than what Jacek has to offer. You might recognise Dean from 1 Girl 5 Gays. And if you do, you understand why I’ve been in love with him for a long time. Please note however that I did not create the F-ck Yeah Dean McArthur. Just know that there’s one dedicated to him.

Dean, Sasha, and I belong to our very own Mimi Fan Club. She holds us together -- Dean in New York, Sasha in Toronto, and me in Vancouver. Dean posited long ago that Mimi has taken over Christmas. And, well, a new Mimi Christmas video was released today. Have you seen it?

Christmas Season is upon us now. As Dean writes, this is Her time.)

All we want for Christmas is Mariah, and today Christmas has come early – specifically in the form of a Youtube performance  (video below) of her classic Christmas hit featuring Jimmy Fallon, The Roots and four unidentified children. (It’s conceivable that her daily entourage includes a mini children’s choir at this point, right?)

This is unofficially the fourth time Mariah’s released this same song - its original release in 1994, an “Extra Festive” remix in 2010, the “Superfestive Remix” with Justin Bieber last year, and this edition, which I’m calling the “Social Media Super Extra Festive Relevancy Grab Remix”.

For nearly 20 years now, Christmas time means it’s Mariah Carey time! I can’t think of any other star who has taken over a particular holiday the way Mariah’s wrapped up her persona in Christmas – but like everything she does, this uniquely bizarre career choice actually works perfectly. So there she is every year, lighting some tree on NBC or singing a carol to remind us that the season of giving is also the season of giving her attention.

The match works so well because Mimi and Christmas have loads in common – they’re both gaudy, Christian, sentimental, frivolous and more than a little bit ridiculous. While she loves to revel in tradition though, don’t get it twisted, she may be celebrating the birth of a baby king but this woman believes she is The QUEEN! And The Queen has her own set of rules for ringing in the yuletide.

Rule 1: Christmas is Sexy
Christmas to me means sleeping in a guest room at my parents’ house; it means hangovers, it means shopping malls…but it never EVER means sex. For Mariah though, December is the freakiest month on the calendar. She set the tone for sexy Christmases to come back in ‘94 with that skin tight Mrs. Claus cat suit that announced “I’ve been naughty” on the cover of Merry Christmas. Since then she has found no good reason to put her titties away – not singing beside an underage Justin Bieber, not singing songs directly to her Lord, and especially not her enormous pregnancy boobs.

Let’s be clear though, this is “Mariah sexy”, not human sexy, so it’s still really hard to picture her actually fornicating. Whether it’s the Shake it Off video where she’s naked in a rose petal filled bathtub or alluding to a Naval gangbang, like in the Honey video, Mariah’s sexuality is just never that believable. It always seems too Sex and Romance 101, like she’s copying the ideas out of a Danielle Steele novel. Why does she bother with the charade?

Rule 2: It’s a White (and Red) Christmas – NEVER green
A diva is a diva, even in December, and decades of tradition are not going to interfere with this diva’s wardrobe. You see, red and green might be a good enough colour scheme for your Christmas, but Mariah? She doesn’t wear green, dahhhh-lings (except that one time she was a mermaid for Halloween, even then it was just the tail). What this means it that inside Mariah’s winter wonderland the dress code is red and white only. You can’t knock a girl for knowing what she looks good in – and she always does look fierce – but the elimination of green in Mariah’s world doesn’t stop at her closet. With the rare exception of the odd Christmas tree, none of her videos, promo shots or concerts feature the colour green. At all. Know who wears a lot of green? Jennifer Lopez. Just sayin’. 

Rule 3: Don’t Overthink It
Hold an image in your mind of Charlie Brown alone on stage at his Christmas pageant rehearsal. He wonders why he’s not feeling as joyful as his friends? Why hasn’t Christmas delivered on its promise of good will and cheer? Why is he so f-cking sad? It’s the existential X-mas crisis so many of us go through during the holidays.

Now, go watch Mariah on stage in the video for Oh Santa. Squeezed into a mini Mrs. Claus dress, diamond hoops bigger than her head, Christmas trees made of silver – do you think THAT person has ever wondered if she should be feeling more festive? While Charlie Brown and the rest of us cringe at the commercialization of Christmas, Oh Santa is sponsored by, I’m not even exaggerating, Mariah’s own perfume “Lollypop Bling”, Island Records, Elizabeth Arden AND Fujifilm Instax cameras.  

While it’s fun and easy to laugh at what goes into creating A Very Mimi X-Mas, I’d be lying if I didn’t add that, for me anyway, Mariah Carey does genuinely bring real value to the holidays. There’s something wonderful about watching someone celebrate so shamelessly. I was born a Christmas lover and will die a Christmas lover, but it’s difficult to get as wrapped up in the spirit of the season as I was able to as a kid. Not Mariah though. She’s out there literally with sleigh bells on every year, as if no one ever told her there’s no Santa Claus. And while Christmas celebrations have nothing to do with Jesus in my house, I dare you to listen to her original recording of Oh Holy Night and not feel a little something stir inside you. And if nothing else, when I’m opening that second bottle of white wine on Christmas Eve in my parents’ basement, It'll be nice to know that miles away in a Manhattan penthouse, Mimi’s doing the exact same thing.

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