So as you know, babybumps and rubs and baby talk and pregnancy watch - these are not my favourite subjects. But I do love it when famous bitches step all over other famous bitches. I love watching a master of the Fame Game stomp the sh-t out of everyone around. There’s nothing better in the business of gossip than being able to talk about the moment when a major star decides to make it All About Her. Especially when the strategy is executed so perfectly. Especially when she f-cking played everyone’s ass so perfectly.
If you can play me the way Beyonce played us all, I’d be down with being played every day.
Remember, Beyonce played 4 sold out nights at the Roseland Ballroom just two weeks ago in New York dressed up in very revealing costumes and NO ONE HAD ANY IDEA that Throne Watch was a reality. I have included a few of these shots and they are attached to the end of this picture series.
I mean, the stories of B’s double Spanxing are legendary. But did you see the size of what she’s been Spanxing? For goddamn woman. For goddamn.
And then she steps out in 6 inch heels and throws down a performance that no one else, NO ONE ELSE, can step to. With her wind machine, of course. Her baby looks really good with her wind machine. You think she’ll have her wind machine in the delivery room? You think her baby will come out with its own wind machine? I shot an ad spot a few weeks ago and we had to fake a wind machine and I’m telling you, it makes all the difference. B knows what she’s talking about. B knows exactly what she’s doing. B is in full total control.
And B is ready for you to KNOW that she’s pregnant.
She was ready for every single person last night, star and civilian, to know that she is pregnant.
You know how last week I kept grossing out over those Gender Reveal parties? Because WHO CARES IF YOUR BABY IS A BOY OR A GIRL??? Now apply that expectant narcissism to a celebrity. And not just a garden variety celebrity but one of the most EXTRA celebrities we have ever known.
This is why you visit gossip blogs and email your friends back and forth all day to discuss. Beyonce was built for us. Last night was a gift to us. Don’t hate so hard on her belly glory. Instead, appreciate that we are being entertained by the best, even down to the way she dropped her microphone, unbuttoned her jacket, slowly swivelled her hips to one side, and placed her hand on her growing child with attitude followed by what I choose to believe was genuine joy - she is adorably delighted. And it’s infectious. Also, call me a dumbass, I’ll totally eat it, but Jay’s reaction to it all, in the audience, as his boy Kanye jumped up and down like an excited uncle, and the way the proud husband nodded his head looking up at his wife who is in every way his equal as they force us, whether we like it or not, to worship their child...
Like, I’m not even sure the Brange could have made this move any better.
I am officially OBSESSED.
Here’s Beyonce taking everyone to school, the long version.
Here’s the short version with just the baby glorification at the end.
Photos from Wenn.com and Rick Davis/Splashnewsonline.com and Jeff Kravitz/Gettyimages.com