While Swoki’s blessing the world with their love, Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend with the four names is over in LA, trying to make sure you don’t forget him. Yesterday TMZ reported that he f-cked up his car by leaving the back door open and going in reverse. I did the exact same thing when I was 16 years old and it’s still one of my most terrifying memories, having to go back inside the house and tell my parents what just happened.

Anyway, afterwards he was, understandably, so frustrated that he yelled at the paps. But then, then!, like a simpering loser, he went on Twitter to apologise. To the paps.

Please don’t stop liking me, paps. Please don’t stop paying attention to me, paps. We’re good, are we good, paps? Are we good?

In addition to maintaining his relationship with photographers, Chester Heinz Andy Willow is also maintaining his connection to TMZ, because they posted a story last night about how Taylor meeting Tom’s ma in England is a joke. Because he and Taylor were together for over a year and she never met his ma in Scotland, protesting that it was too far away. Which, I guess, is supposed to mean that Swoki isn’t real.

I took it to mean that that assumption we’ve all made about Taylor wanting to get super serious with Cyrus Hedley – a narrative he tried to peddle initially before Swoki premiered two weeks ago – and push him into marriage is, evidently, bullsh-t. If she didn’t care to reach out to his ma, how can you support the idea that she wanted to be his wife? And how, exactly, does that make you look good, dumbass?

Attached - Calvin leaving the gym yesterday in LA.