I woke up this morning and heard that there was a new Coldplay song. It’s called Adventure Of A Lifetime and they’ve announced that there will be a new album, possibly their last album, coming out on December 4 – A Head Full Of Dreams. It’s been some years since I enjoyed Coldplay. So I listened. And I don’t hate it. It’s cheesy in a Rick Astley way, and there ain’t nothing wrong with Rick Astley. The kind of music you got made fun of for liking in high school when all the kids who hung out in the bleachers were into The Doors or whatever. Do kids still hang out in the bleachers?

Anyway, not super offensive like the sh-t they put out last year. You remember that song? Magic? The worst. “Magic”, however, seems to still be on Chris Martin’s mind. Because he talks about it again in this new single.

Turn on your magic, she’d say

And then a reader called Fred sent over this link from Defamer and now I can’t listen to this song anymore because they’re right. This song is definitely about the magic Chris Martin found when he was inside Jennifer Lawrence. Basically they’re saying that Chris is saying that “she” helped him turn his magic on, a euphemism for his boner. Did that squick you? GOOD. Because I’m squicked too and I refuse to go through it alone. And it’s not that I don’t want to picture Jennifer Lawrence. I do. I DO. With Nicholas Hoult. With Michael B Jordan. YES. I also want to picture Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. And Drake and Serena. But Chris Martin? This f-cking guy? Pass.

Attached – Chris in London today after the Coldplay announcement and Jennifer Lawrence in London tonight after dinner with The Hunger Games cast.