Laura is still bitter about the fact that I made her leave the Du Cap that night in Cannes while Robert Pattinson was still there on the terrace.

Click here for my version and here for her perspective. Mine obviously is more believable because I wasn’t blinded by a lust haze. But whatever. For the purposes of this story, Laura and I agree.

Emile Hirsch is insufferable.

Laura was able to endure it because she had something to, um, stare at. I however had no such distractions. Mio and I were trying to have a conversation. Unfortunately Emile Wank had to enlighten us all with his brilliant cinematic observations…

Like all of a sudden he’s the heir to Frank Capra.

Actually, no.

It’s Shakespeare Emile’s after.

Variety is reporting that Emile will star in a modern adaptation of Hamlet. Apparently he’s been “credited with coming up with the concept”.

…the f-ck?

According to the Hollywood Reporter “the new "Hamlet" will center on similar themes as the original play but will be set in contemporary America. In the new version, a young man must decide whether to kill his uncle to avenge the death of his father.”

Like, didn’t Ethan Hawke already make this movie?

How is this original?

Oh wait. Because Emile Hirsch will be playing Hamlet! F-ck off everyone else! When Emile does it, it’s like the sun shining for the first goddamn time!

Emile Hirsch is so brilliant he can even reinvent Hamlet!

Something is rotten…

This is Emile at Cannes with his girl. Her friend was that Erika Dutra, you know the one who sold out Robert Pattinson?

That’s your cute Twi-hards. What movie will you be avoiding?

Photo from