Game Of Thrones Season 4 Episode 7 recap: The return of Hot Pie

When you’re on the road the way this episode is, everything can feel disjointed. But the exciting part of it is that there’s no cabin fever. Things are moving, both in the more and less literal senses. And it almost felt – good? Like fun, or exciting? I apologize in advance for the lack of pronouns in this recap, but there were a lot of single-sex scenes, which makes “he” and “she” kind of futile.

Tyrion’s cell. Things aren’t good. He thought that Shae was in love with him and complains to Jaime that he never wanted to live at The Wall(who does?) – it’s a fate worse than death,  hence his choice of a trial by combat. He says that Jaime struck the golden deal with their father: Jaime will be the heir and Tyrion will be out of the way forever. Jaime’s all “why did you have to have the outburst?” Tyrion needed to articulate some small bit of power, and when he says that Tywin will always favour Jaime, no matter whether he f*cks his sister or has one hand, or what, Jaime gets bristly. Tyrion is all “so get to fighting” but Jaime says he can’t be Tyrion’s champion – he’s not a good enough fighter. Tyrion, trying to stay light-hearted, snickers that they could wipe out the family name in one fell swoop if he and Jaime die. He wants to know who Cersei’s champion is.

Um, we meet him. He’s busy spilling entrails all over the place quite literally, as he’s skewering men for what looks like practice – there’s too much precision for it to be for fun. He asks whom he’s fighting in the upcoming battle and Cersei, who’s been watching, says it doesn’t matter. And if you are confused, yes, they recast The Mountain. Again. I guess, get used to it?

Arya and the Hound. From behind, on horseback, she’s not that much smaller than he is, or so it seems. They stop at a man who’s stabbed and as they urge him to die easily and not succumb slowly to his sucking stomach wound, he talks philosophically about how the exchange by which the Hound takes Arya to Lysa Arryn. Then, as the man continues to suffer, Arya and the Hound silently agree, and the Hound puts him out of his misery. That alone would be a great scene but The Hound is then attacked by the Westerosi equivalent of a strung-out surfer with a bad bleach job. The Hound wants to know if this asshole is on Arya’s list. She says he can’t be, and then asks his name. As soon as she knows it she slides Needle straight between his ribs. The Hound: “You’re learning”.

Jon Snow’s come back to Castle Black and is warmly greeted after his adventure at Craster’s. It’s fun and games for just a second until Alliser makes Jon lock his direwolf away. Seconds later, Jon reports in front of the group and says they need to prepare for the White Walkers. He wants to seal the tunnel so it freezes to protect them. Jon Snow’s all “have you ever seen a giant”? and I’m reminded of a dropped storyline from Harry Potter. Anyway, Jon Snow, for all his heroism, is totally shafted and is thus basically laughed out of speaking during the meeting. Only Sam looks disappointed/affectionate/indigestion-filled. Not just because he and Jon Snow are assigned night duties atop The Wall until the full moon. 

Bronn comes to Tyrion’s cell. He’s been MIA and Tyrion is annoyed and right away the vibe is off between these two. They’ve been great friends and now this? Bronn is in finery and explains that he’s been arranged to marry Lollys Stokeworth, who’s dull, but who might get a castle. Bronn is driving a hard bargain, and while we can’t believe that he’s turning on Tyrion, it seems that he is. Marrying Lollys and not being Tyrion’s champion is what he’s agreed to do for Cersei. He explains that money talks and maybe we never saw this side of him before because Tyrion always has money?  Then he twists the knife. When has Tyrion ever risked his life for Bronn? Now it suddenly seems real – that he’s not going to be Tyrion’s champion. But I felt that scene was oddly played. As Bronn releases Tyrion’s hand, his hope for staying alive goes out the door. And he’s all “I guess I’ll fight the Mountain myself”.

Meereen at dark looks like the Las Vegas strip. Daario has shown up unannounced and uninvited in Daenerys’ room. He’s all “look at these flowers I swam to get you” and she couldn’t be less interested. She’s a benevolent queen and all, but she doesn’t appreciate him being there. Beyonce style. Anyway, he’s begging her for something to do and he wants it to be sex, but given he can’t have that, can he please have some war to do? He agrees he’ll do whatever she wants, but he’d most like to go kill her enemies. 

… And then she leans back and sucks on a wine, possibly for the first time since season 1, and smiles as she tells him to take off his clothes. There is a notable lack of penis. The internet was outraged.

Melisandre. Stannis’ wife ( I dare you to spell it, Selyse!) comes in and hands her a potion and adds it to her bath and I generally think the Stannis Baratheon segments are slow, but what breasts, and what a bathtub! She explains that potions and makeup are lies to let men believe they’ve seen God. Then she points out that all her “magic” is contained in the jars in that room. That one causes scary black smoke, that one, a column of fire. Hmmm. The Queen isn’t listening. She’s staring at Melisandre’s firm, round…you get the idea. Stannis’ wife complains that he wants to bring Shireen and says he can’t because the girl is a heretic. Melisandre says she’s not going to lie to the Queen – Shireen has to go, because she’s basically a sacrifice.   Nice for her.

Daario greets Jorah the next morning and smarms that he warmed the Khaleesi up already. Gross, and I’m not paraphrasing by much. Anyway, Jorah gets all paternal on her and disguises that he’s talking about wanting Daeny for himself. She says she doesn’t trust Daario, Jorah doesn’t need to worry. But she is sending Daario and the seven sons to retake Yunkai. She’s ordered him to execute all the masters. She lists their horrors and they do sound horrible. Jorah is all “how about an eye for an eye is also killing en masse”. She’s tired of being benevolent.
Jorah tries to slow the bloodlust and Khaleesi is screaming about ending slavery.   He says he’s been where she is and that if he hadn’t been shown some mercy by Ned Stark, he wouldn’t be here to help her. She about-faces to say the dude from last week who wanted to bury his father is going to be the ambassador instead. She sends Jorah to call off Daario – and to say it was his idea. Here they say having sex makes people more easygoing…

Arya wants to help The Hound with his wound and is being nice as he ineffectually dabs at it. She explains he has to burn it for cleanliness and he screams at her “NO FIRE”. He’s a wounded injured child and he basically says it’s all her fault and he should never have laid eyes on her. Then, when she doesn’t call him any names, he explains how his brother pressed his face in the fire. And sounds like a petulant child as he says that he was just playing with one of The Mountain’s toys, not stealing it. He was alone and abandoned and vulnerable. When Arya asks again if she can clean his wound, he agrees. He doesn’t look at her as she’s nice to him.

Brienne and Podrick are drinking and eating a pie in a tavern. They are in extremely high spirits - it’s already amusing and they’re just bantering about pie and Podrick getting drunk. If this show were a comedy, this is the scene it would be. And then there’s HOT PIE! You cannot give up on the gravy! He’s yammering like a madman about cooking - until Brienne asks if he’s seen Sansa. Then he babbles incessantly about how Starks are traitors, the fact that he’s lying fairly sweating out of his pores.   I love him. Outside, Podrick doesn’t want to offend Brienne but thinks they don’t want to be telling everyone they are looking for Sansa. At which point Hot Pie emerges and all sass-mouthed is all “Hey, remember how Arya’s all dressed like a boy and calling herself ‘Arry’?” Brienne is pleased as punch, Pod is all “well, what can I say?” Hot Pie! As they walk through the woods, they discuss the idea that Arya – and consequently Sansa – might be at the Eyrie. Why would they be walking their horses instead of riding them?

Tyrion’s cell. His eyes have that charming “given up on life” thing. And then Lord Oberyn walks in. This will be interesting. Oberyn proceeds to explain that Cersei approached, talking about Myrcella in Dorn. She said she wasn’t trying to twist Oberyn against Tyrion, but of course she was. And Tyrion kind of goes “yeah, it’s what she does”. Oberyn snickers, “It’s just rare to see a Lannister who shares my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters”. Is it? That’s almost a common trait of all of them.   Anyway, then Oberyn fills in the gaps in his shadowy past. Oberyn was at Casterly Rock when Tyrion was born and apparently the gossip was that he had a tail, claws, and double genitals. Cersei (at what, six, seven?) was practically selling tickets to look at Tyrion, but when Oberyn was taken in, he was disappointed that he was just a baby. Cersei hoped Tyrion would die at birth because he killed her mother.   There’s a horribly graphic detail about how she squeezed his baby cock, so in case you weren’t uncomfortable yet this episode, there’s that.

Anyway. Oberyn wants revenge for his sister. He wants to bring everyone who has wronged him to justice. He will start with Gregor Clegane, who killed his sister’s children and then his mother. He’s going to be Tyrion’s champion. I swear there are real, sparkly tears hanging around Tyrion’s cynical face.

Eyrie. Winter. Sansa is in the snow. She looks happy and beautiful and alone. And then Robin Arryn comes to see her snowcastle of Winterfell. He wants to know why she left and Robin yammers about being Lord of the Vale. He’s duly horrified that someone burned her house down. They have some fun bantering about where a moondoor should go (“How do you make people fly?”) and they talk without too much pain about when they get married – but then he ruins her snowcastle and they both act like brats, and Sansa gets a good slap in on his annoying face, and he runs off crying.

And then Littlefinger shows up. Almost like he’d been watching her. He’s empathetic to Sansa and tells her she can build a better home. Sansa’s response? “Why did you really kill Joffrey?” She’s getting smarter. He explains that he killed Joffrey because he loved her mother. They share a half smile. And then he fully creepily steps in and talks about how she might have been his daughter. He’s half a head shorter than her as he reaches for her hair and kisses her. IN FULL VIEW OF LYSA ARRYN.  And am I mistaken, or was that not entirely accidental?

Sansa is obviously immediately summoned to the room with the moondoor. They stare down into the abyss, as Lysa explains what happens to bodies that “fly”. She knows what Sansa did. She screams that people who get between her and Petyr die, and is doing her hysterical best to shove Sansa through the moondoor – when Petyr shows up and talks her down. He speaks soothingly, calmly, so that Lysa eventually, tearfully, shoves Sansa aside. She’s weeping and sobbing that she lied and killed for Petyr, and so he counsels his “sweet, silly wife”, assuring her he never loved anyone else. Only one woman …

Her sister.

He shoves Lysa through the moondoor. 

It’s so awesome.

I rewound it like three times. I loved it so much. She flew. I wanted to see every frame of her face in shock and realization. God that was so good. Littlefinger is the epitome of patience…I might love him a little bit. And – Sansa wasn’t sorry he kissed her, either. Which is weird and twisted, but the various adventures of teenage girls at the hands of possibly evil men are the reason we watch this show…right? I’d rather watch this than Ramsey Snow.

She flew!