You know that old Hollywood math where two B-list dating equals one A-list couple? Well if Ashley Greene and Ryan Phillippe are really together, they’re the opposite of that. Full disclosure, I’m not a math professor, but it seems like a self-evident scientific fact that Ashley + Ryan = Desperate - Talent + A**hole to the power of “ew, no.”

The two were photographed leaving the embarrassingly-named LA club Vignette together, after trying to make separate exits to avoid suspicion of a late-night hookup. So this thing is not officially on, and I think we can all agree it’s for the best if this beginning is also the end. It’s nice to give stars the benefit of the doubt, to see their humanity and have sympathy for the cruel lens of tabloid culture, but doesn’t that seem like it will just be impossible to even try that if these two really try to make this happen?

Ryan Philippe might be cool. He’s given us a lot. That butt shot in Cruel Intentions alone should be enough for him to have earned our affection for a lifetime. But I just have trouble believing that Sebastian Valmont is really that far from Ryan’s real personality. He a good actor, but he’s not that good. As for Ashley, she’s the living embodiment of all the annoying parts of the Twilight franchise. Separate, these flaws could be overlooked, but united in romance I cannot see how any two stars could overcome that unlikeability factor. 

All of that said, I would pay for porn for the first time in my life if a sex tape comes out of this. So good luck to these two, and even better luck to Vivid Entertainment.