Justin Timberlake’s best friend Trace Ayala used to be with Elisha Cuthbert. Cuthbert allegedly cheated on Ayala with Sean Avery (um, I know) so JT supposedly wrote What Goes Around to call her out. This, of course, was before Olivia Munn. Ahem.

Justin Bieber’s friend Ryan Good was dating Ashley Benson. I don’t watch Pretty Little Liars so I’d never heard of her before Spring Breakers came to TIFF. Apparently Bieber and Selena Gomez would double with Ryan and Ashley all the time and according to Radar, Selena liked Ashley so much she even hooked her up with the part on Spring Breakers when Emma Roberts dropped out because she didn’t want to put on weight for the role -- which, can we talk about that later because, um, Ashley Benson is pretty fit in Spring Breakers so ...what the f-ck, Emma Roberts???

Let’s pretend that Radar actually reported a story accurately for once...

Ashley and Ryan are not together anymore. Because James Franco is smarter and sexier than everyone, especially a friend of Justin Bieber.

Page Six reported yesterday that Ashley and The Artist are totally hooking up. This Instagram photo posted when the two were at Universal Studios recently confirms that. Now Selena and Justin are really mad so Justin’s writing a revenge song about it. I made up that last part but, you know, it’s not like it’s impossible.

But did Ryan Good really have a chance? Ashley Benson is 22. To her, everything The Artist says and does must be magic. He’s ostensibly f-cking a fangirl, only this one is in the business. Which is perfect should he want to turn their relationship into performance art. Speaking of performance art...

Joaquin Phoenix’s I’m Still Here...

Did you read his interview in Interview? Everyone was talking last week about Phoenix’s comments re: the Oscar season and that he could give a f-ck about awards but the most interesting part of the article was his description of what it was like during filming for I’m Still Here. The way he tells it, Casey Affleck was actually, like, the driving force behind all that crazy behaviour. And Joaquin, like most great actors, did what his director told him to do. Even though he knew everyone would hate him. And we did. And they called it performance art. Which is what James Franco claims to be doing, sometimes, whenever he’s not writing poems or directing movies, or talking about poems and movies and teaching about his own poems and movies.

Curiously enough, Franco was initially approached by PT Anderson for Phoenix’s part in The Master. If you’ve seen The Master, you know that Phoenix’s performance was... I mean... he’s a dick, for sure, but he’s also BRILLIANT in the film. Anyway, how did he end up with the role and not James Franco? Well, if you believe Franco, it was because Franco has too much confidence in himself. I can’t paraphrase The Artist and do him justice. Click here to read his account of why he’s not in The Master.

Now imagine what a woman would have to endure to be in a relationship with him.