If it were me and he made that “you got the Globes too” comment, no way. But we’ve established that JLO doesn’t have the greatest taste in men and that her gross threshold is much, much higher than most. So… yeah…she probably would.

And between Slum Bear Casper Smart, a loser, and Jeremy Renner, a superhero who may be a sexist pig… well… at least Renner won’t make her buy him a truck for his birthday, you know? Also, on the jolie-laide tip, you can’t find a better example than Hawkeye himself. In her eyes (considering Marc Anthony, the aforementioned Slum Bear, and the two other people she married), he’s probably a hot piece of ass. And the right height. Ben Affleck was a height anomaly for her, truly.

So are we Gossip Genie-ing this or what?

Let’s get to that after we figure out what was poking at her tit. That did not look comfortable. And the dress was balls. So tacky that even the cape couldn’t save it. So cheap it’s yacht wear seen on mail order 20 year old brides for billionaires in Europe. Also the makeup was f-cking sh-t. And don’t tell me JLO doesn’t have the manpower to put in a hairpiece SO THAT YOU CAN’T SEE THE GODDAMN LINE, God, that makes me angry!

Happily the situation improved at the Weinstein afterparty where she hung out with her date and co-star Ryan Guzman. Look, he plays a teenager in the movie but in real life, Guzman is 27. That’s basically my excuse for overheating at the end of the clip below when he backs her up against the wall. It’s doing a lot more for me than Fifty Shades Of Grey.

So, yeah, I’m PAYING to see The Boy Next Door at the cinema. With three friends who didn’t have to be coerced at all. It’ll be awful, obviously. And we will love it, OF COURSE.