Or, In Which Sarah Is A Terrible Detective.

Yesterday we went on a journey of discovery, trying to determine through social media posts and other dubious “evidence” whether or not Chris Evans and Jenny Slate were still together. I concluded “yes” because there wasn’t any empirical evidence otherwise, just a gut feeling that it was odd Evans didn’t go to Sundance with Slate, after being so supportive of her other performances and engagements last year. Well, if I was Indiana Jones and you were my expedition of fellow archaeologists, I have led you into a pit of snakes—why is it always snakes?—and for that I apologize as we die slowly from the venom of a thousand angry snakes. Because it turns out that Chris Evans and Jenny Slate did break up.

According to US Weekly, they broke up just within the last few weeks. So that’s why he wasn’t at Sundance, and Slate has been sad-tweeting. Evans and Slate were an odd but cute couple, shady timing of their get-together aside. But they did not make it even a year (officially), and the reason for their split is “conflicting schedules” and they are “very close friends”. (Slate is quoted talking up Evans at Sundance, so maybe that’s true.)

Their relationship officially happened during a period when Evans wasn’t working. He promoted Captain America: Civil War, but he didn’t film or have to train for an Avengers movie, so he had most of 2016 to himself. But now he’s training for Avengers: Infinity War and he’s got a long-ass shoot in Atlanta about to start for that movie. He’ll be working at least half the year on that. So they break up right as he’s about to get busy.

Meanwhile, in 2016 Jenny Slate performed stand-up throughout the year, promoted a book and four movies, filmed two movies—and none of this is counting the steady stream of voice work she does on animated movies and shows like Bob’s Burgers and Adventure Time. What I’m saying is: Jenny Slate is BUSY. She was BUSY for all of 2016. And Evans spent most of his year following her around. But now he’s busy, too. And they broke up. Why does this remind me of Charlie Hunnam’s disappearing act? It just seems like, she found time for him last year, amidst all the sh*t she had going on. But now he’s got to hit the gym, so it’s sorry, babe, but we can still be friends…?