Easy. Don’t panic. There’s no need to panic. Your emails, your anxiety, I totally get it. But unfortunately there is no reason to be alarmed. I say unfortunately because, unlike most of you, I totally want Jessica and Taylor Kitsch to be f-cking. Alas, they are not.

The report originated in Star Magazine or some sh-t. Gossip Cop killed the rumour last week. But the story still ended up getting syndicated by some very unreliable uk gossip sites and then rebounded back to North American a couple of days ago prompting Gossip Cop to call up Porny’s people and confirm that she and Taylor HAVE NEVER EVEN MET.

Happy now?

You must be. I know it.

But I am not. My Porny finally hooked up with someone worthy, and healthy, who could help her, and it turns out to be bullsh-t. F-ck my Porny has the worst sh-t luck ever.

Wait. Stop yelling at me. I know what you think of her. But you can’t blame her for being born a dumbass and raised as a tit. Porny never had bad intentions. She isn’t out to destroy like Ebola. She’s just... misguided. And ignorant. And doesn’t read enough. And much too naive. So it’s hard for me not to be in her corner.

Perhaps it’s something you should do for Lent. Give up your hate for Jessica Simpson and see what that’s like. I’m telling you, it’s way more fun to want to help her than to simply detest her.