So I hit up PEOPLE this morning to scan for any headlines. And one of the top stories on the page around 7am was:

Katie Holmes is seriously NOT a morning person

As you know, Katie is the cover this week. So they have to try and get as many stories as they can out of their MEGA EXCLUSIVE. The problem?

There clearly wasn’t all that much to give because all the subject has to talk about is how she’s ready for challenges and is a heavy sleeper:

"[I'll be] slapping at the three alarms I have set in case I miss one of them, just going, 'Snooze, snooze, snooze,' thinking, 'It can't be. It can't be time to get up now.’ I'm an Olympic sleeper," she adds with a laugh. "Could that be a thing? Could we have a sleeping Olympics? I would get the gold."

Um. Ha ha ha?

Oh wait. There’s something else. Pancakes:

"My first two pancakes are always burned. Well, sometimes it's not just the first two, and I'm seriously under pressure because it's the last part of the batter and I'm flipping it, and it's about to break apart, and I'm thinking, 'No, please, please, don't break … this is going to set the tone for the whole day. The whole day could be ruined by this!'"

So pancakes and the snooze button are what we have on offer here.

I have a friend, a veteran entertainment journalist, who has written for some major publications. She once interviewed Katie at the height of TomKat for a popular fashion magazine. And she said that it was like talking to a zombie. She just kept repeating that life was wonderful and Tom is amazing, over and over again. It was a major stretch to get 700 words out of the piece. That’s what we all assumed though, right? That Katie Holmes’s personality was possessed by Tom and Xenu?

You can blame a lot of sh-t on Tom and Xenu. But I’m not sure you can blame them for the pancakes and the snooze button.

Her movie opens in two weeks, Miss Meadows. That feels like a favour. Because she’s certainly not doing much to sell the film herself.