Dear Gossips,

Did you watch black-ish last night? If you haven’t, I’m jealous of you. Because you still get to experience it for the first time. As you might know from reading this blog, I’m obsessed with the show, I love it so much I’m almost evangelical about it. Last night’s episode was reason to give black-ish all the awards next season. All of them. Now I’m waiting patiently for all the think pieces to come out later today breaking down what Kenya Barris gave us last night. Vulture had theirs up pretty quickly – but don’t read it until you’ve seen it!

Next: the Year of the Rooster begins January 28th. Which means it’s time for my ma the Squawking Chicken’s annual Chinese zodiac analysis and recommendations. This is an annual feature at LaineyGossip leading up to the New Year. Every day for the next 12 days, in this space, one Chinese zodiac’s luck forecast will be profiled. A few notes before we begin though:

It’s unrealistic to expect good luck every single year. That’s not how life works. So, if you find out that this year might not be the best, it doesn’t mean you have to panic. It only means you have to prepare. The way feng shui works is that it’s how we handle our low luck times that can really affect our high luck times. If you are smart during your low luck periods, you can increase the surge when you move into your high luck period, either next year or in the years to come.

Also, the Squawking Chicken doesn’t believe in preparing you for good luck. Good luck isn’t going to hurt you. Her focus has always been on bad luck, and offering suggestions to help avoid it or minimise the sh-t  that might be coming your way. Please keep this in mind when going through your profiles. If your sign is on a low luck wave, it’s not that nothing positive is going to happen for the next 52 weeks, it’s just that ma would rather you be vigilant against the problem areas. If you don’t know your Chinese zodiac, there are any number of sites that will help you figure it out but make sure the one you use asks you to input your exact birth date and not just your birth year. This is particularly important for those born in January and February. The Chinese zodiac goes by the lunar calendar and changes from year to year, which is why the Lunar New Year is never the same.

The Year of the Monkey has come to an end. So let’s start at the Monkey. There’s a very bright star shining on those born under the Monkey sign. The star will enhance your charm, attracting a lot of attention – it’s a good outlook for love and friendship. Basically Monkeys are popular in the Year of the Rooster.

There is also, however, a dark star that will shadow the Monkey this year that could distract you, might make you lose focus. Monkeys can sometimes be too greedy, never satisfied. This dark star will exploit that and while its power will be muted by that bright star in your life, the bright star won’t be around forever. So Monkeys are advised to be mindful in the future. A lack of appreciation for what you have can be a deterrent to good luck.

1944 Monkeys should mind their health. Don’t push yourself too hard. And you’re on Love Triangle alert. Watch out for temptation and infidelity, on your part. 

1956 Monkeys may be assisted by many benefactors this year. And your partner could be a big asset.

1968 Monkeys are encouraged to explore new learning opportunities, prioritise self-improvement. This will pay off, maybe not immediately, but there will be a future yield.

For 1980 Monkeys, a promotion and/or a raise is possible. But you must be careful of injury and be extra cautious his year.

1992 Monkeys may have new career opportunities.

For parents of 2004 Monkeys, you might want to pay closer attention because of the Monkey’s popularity this year – new young romances could lead to new dramas.

In February and March, all Monkeys are advised to stay sharp at work. There may be professional dilemmas so carefully consider your options.

April could be busy, busy as in horny. Which sounds awesome but too much of something could get messy. Be smart about your hookups.

In June and July, be very, very cautious when signing contracts or other major legal/financial commitments, like home buying or selling. Or professional partnerships, etc.

In July and August, try not to overdose on romance. Immersing yourself in a relationship might cost you everything. You may be compelled to make an impetuous decision. You might also find yourself wavering between options. If you can, focus on yourself instead, and spend time with family.

There’s an injury alert for Monkeys in August and September. Be mindful of a fall. And in December, there’s an ally who could come forward to solve a problem for you. Don’t forget to be grateful if this happens.

Both male and female Monkeys should be mindful of reproductive health during the Year of the Rooster. You may experience some skin issues and allergies. Go see the doctor at the beginning of the year for a full checkup, with bloodwork, especially Monkeys born in 1944, 1980, and 2004. Not because there’s something wrong, but as a preventative measure.

Mostly importantly, all Monkeys would do well to avoid confrontation this year. Fighting and arguments will bring on big trouble and break your luck and you seem to have some luck this year, especially love luck. The Year of the Rooster is a good year for Monkeys to get married and/or have kids. But you are blessed with extra this year in romance. So be smart about your conquests, player. Jake Gyllenhaal is a Monkey. Let’s see how this works out for him.

Tomorrow – the Goat. 

Yours in gossip,