Dear Michael Fassbender…

2011 was a huge year for you. After flirting with the edge since 2008, 2011 is when you went global. 2012 is poised to be more of the same, with Haywire next month, and Prometheus in the summer, and filming 12 Years a Slave with Steve McQueen. Oh, and the awards. So many awards, or nominations at least, heading your way. I’m really looking forward to all the red carpets. Just um, maybe iron your suits a little?

Michael, I’m writing you today because I need you to settle a debate between Lainey and me. She said, after seeing you and Zoe Kravitz together at TIFF last fall that you were way into Zoe and it was all very real. Which I don’t doubt. I believe you were (are? Could be again?) way into Zoe—having seen her ass, who WOULDN’T be into her?—just like I believe you get way into any woman you’re banging, whether it be for a night, a week of nights, or a year of nights. You see, it’s not that I doubt your thing with Zoe was real, it’s that I doubt it was serious. You just seem too much like, well, a womanizer.

I’m sorry! I don’t mean it badly, per se, just that you know, you’re a bit of ladies’ man, aren’t you, Michael? After all, you’re the one who just kinda sorta admitted to sleeping around to GQ, since your fame has presented you with a “buffet of choice” when it comes to women. And that sleeping around isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since the roving life of an actor can be lonely, as you told GQ: “Sleeping around? I don’t think it’s a cliché. You’re travelling around a lot and perhaps lonely and you want some kind of connection again.” At least you know it’s your famous lifestyle they’re after and not (just) your looks. You know that the same women would present themselves to you even if you looked like a troll, as long as you’re famous.

So settle it for us, Michael. Dedicated boyfriend or dedicated lover? There’s a difference, you know. Oh, you totally know.